Are You Missing the Single Most Magical Key to Attracting Love?

Dr. Jenn,

I am strongly feeling a need to be doing creative things. So, for the next 30 days I’m doing a journal writing down all the things I love about myself.

Hopefully, they will be integrated as part of me and mirrored by the new man in my life. I like that idea and I can do it!!!

If I can love all of these things about myself then they will be right out there, for a man to love too. Right?

Lisa

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Hey Lisa!

THAT is a FANTASTIC idea!

Attracting your soulmate is all about stepping into your Best Self which attracts your Perfect Partner- the partner that is the best possible complement for you!

The easiest way to step into your Best Self is to love yourself and a wonderful way to do that is to consciously honor all of the amazing things about yourself- daily!

As you are consciously aware of the things that make you remarkable- you are stepping into those parts of yourself more fully, embodying them with more truth.

The result?

You are shining the light of those qualities more strongly out into the world- making you glow brighter, with the charm of authentic charisma- like a giant Soulmate Magnet, of course!

People around you will FEEL the difference and be drawn to it magnetically, without even knowing why!

The effect of this is that the men who are drawn in will be the ones who naturally, easily, effortlessly appreciate Who You Really Are! How wonderful is that?!

Plus, since you are shining the light of pure goodness, strength, and beauty- you will attract a man who also stands in his strength- one who is happy, healthy, and emotionally available to create a lasting love.

So, the bottom line is:
If someone wanted to focus on only one thing to attract their soulmate, it would be this one thing you are doing! Focusing on why you are so very awesome right to the core!

That is the magical place that allows soulmate love to be drawn into your life!

I’m excited for you. Let me know how it goes! And how it feels!

Dr. Jenn

Weeding Out Men: The Thoughtfulness Quotient

Dr. Jenn,

About two months ago I was talking to about seven guys, and this includes emailing and phone conversations. Since then I have met three of those guys and Rick is the guy at the top of the list.

Rick already had several bonus points for calling to check up on me both before and after I was going in for surgery two weeks ago, and he apparently really cared and wanted to know how I was doing. I was quite touched by this.

Two other guys I was talking to around that time- who also knew about my pending surgery- did not even ask about it, but rather just talked about THEIR stuff, including distant relatives.

I was facing some potentially scary news, and I really appreciated Rick's concern and thoughtfulness, even though we had not met in person. Rick has a WONDERFUL sense of humor and we always find great things to talk about and funny stories to tell, and our conversations seem very balanced.

We finally met on Friday night! It was warm and friendly and we plan to see each other again soon.

I like that Rick's kids are both married and on their own and doing well, like mine. And I also like that he has a great little dog and that he relates well to dogs. And I LOVE his sense of humor, and his obvious caring personality.

Yep, this one has potential!! I’ll keep you in the loop!

Lisa
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Hi Lisa!

While having the surgery was no walk in the park- it certainly gave you the opportunity to see how the men would behave when you could use some support! Bonus!

Sounds like Rick passed with flying colors!

It’s never too early to treat each other with thoughtful kindness, empathy, and respect. I call this the Thoughtfulness Quotient- and you can usually feel this right away with a person!

And when you get Rick’s kind of treatment, right out of the gate- BEFORE even meeting, well that tells you volumes about the kind of person he is, doesn’t it?!

The fact that the others basically ignored it in a somewhat selfish manner- also reflects what they would probably be like to be around later on. Rightly so- those are BIG RED FLAGS.

And these are the kind of things you really want to see about a person early on- it can save you lots of heartache!

But when someone makes you feel seen, heard, and cared about- even at the beginning- you know you are on the right track!

I look forward to hearing more about Rick!

Dr. Jenn

Organize Your Online Dating World?: A Filing-Rating System That Works!

Dr. Jenn,

I have been continuing to stay in touch with several men at one time, and I wanted to share with you my new filing-rating system!

I’ve devised a way to list them in my email files, with a rating of sorts, so I can keep in mind where my feelings about each of them stand, in terms of potential.

So, I keep an email folder for each one, and when I title the folders, if I put an AA in front of their name, they are among those at the top of the list!

After a few questionable yellow flag issues (such as hogging 80% of a phone conversation) I may remove one of the A's, and they move to the A category, and from there perhaps to the B category. This helps me to remember where each is.

After meeting them each in person, they often either move to the AA category, or completely off the list if the meeting does not feel right. Those in the B category are guys I can't really see myself with, but for some reason I stay in distant touch with them.

Seems to be helping me keep thing straight! What do you think?!

Lisa

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Wow, Lisa, I like your ingenuity!!

I have to admit that back when I was juggling, I would often forget Who I told What!! It could get a little awkward!

So, I like your idea of being organized so you can keep track of how interested you are in people!

When internet dating, you can have so many balls up in the air, all at different stages, that it can feel a bit overwhelming! So anything you can do to make it more simple, is great!!

I also love that you update the rating when you notice Red Flags! That is so awesome! Because you have the rating system, it keeps you noticing them even more perhaps- so you don’t ignore them!!

That’s a mistake so many people make in the early stages of dating! Plus- it helps you stay conscious about making the best decisions for YOU, every step of the way, instead of just sliding along!

And in addition to what you suggest, I always suggest that people have a totally separate email account that they use only for online dating- makes things much easier to follow! And, folks, please don't use your real name as your login for that account- instead go with something that matches your online profile's handle or tag line! Clever, safe, and easy for folks to remember who they are talking to as well!

So, onward & upward with clarity in your mind and warmth in your heart!!

Dr. Jenn

Readers: What do you think of Lisa's system? What helps you keep track of your online dating life? Please share!

Unclogging Your Love Life

Hi Dr. Jenn,

Okay, I have re-focused, and have let go of the guys that didn't match my dream.

And, guess what?! A whole BUNCH of new ones have shown up. I think I get it!

When you are juggling and one ball drops, I don't try to find THAT ball again, but grab another that has been tossed in my direction, and keep right on juggling, until ONE ball shows up that is just too good to be true, and he feels the same about me.

Right?

I am SOOOOOO excited!!!!

Lisa

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Lisa!

By golly, I think you are brilliant!

YES- That’s exactly it!

I love the metaphor- you just keep juggling new and interesting balls until the right ball is in your hands- drop all balls that don’t feel right, and enjoy the playful juggling!

Sounds like a recipe for fun and success!

It also illustrates last post's principle perfectly- that when you let go of all who do not fit- it allows room for more wonderful opportunities to show up!!

So many people clog up their life dating folks who are almost right, or Mr. Right Now.

Important Principle: As long as you are clogged your soulmate is delayed.

You just keep playing, shining Who You Really Are, connect authentically with everyone you meet, take leave genuinely and gently when the time is right, and learn the gifts of all of your lessons on this delightful journey.

Until, HE shows up.

In delightful service of love,
Dr. Jenn

Readers: How has unclogging your love life resulted in better flow of love into your life? Please share.

What to Do When What You DON'T Want Keeps Showing Up!

Dear Dr. Jenn,

Help!!! I feel like I am in a juggling rut.

Rather than juggling with good potential guys, if feels like I am looking for the one with the least flaws, and something seems wrong about this.

I am more confused than ever about men and dating.

I have about 7 guys who are interested, so there is no real shortage I guess, just lots of confusion on my part, in that none of them seem to be right enough, for all sorts of different reason.

I absolutely LOVE the communications I share with one guy, but he’s halfway across the country! We have a lot in common in creating things, and the way we see life, and I absolutely love his emails.

What to do, what to do. Just continue I guess, until one feels very, very right. Right?

Lisa
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Lisa-

I’d like to ask you: What is it that’s making you more confused than ever?

You know What You Want- and what is right in front of you isn’t What You Want, right?

But, having what you Don’t Want in front of you, makes it even clearer- What You Do Want!!

That is it’s gift! More clarity!

Where you are at right now- is where people tend to get supremely frustrated and give up.

They think: “I’m trying this Law of Attraction thing, I’m trying to focus on What I Want- and still what I Don’t Want keeps showing up!”

And they start to think this whole Law of Attraction thing- Like Attracting Like- simply doesn’t work.

And, that’s where the confusion comes in.

Because a lot of folks who have learned about the Law of Attraction, have NOT learned about it’s best friend, the Law of Opposites.

The two always work in Tandem.

The Law of Opposites says once you get very clear on What You Want- all of it’s opposites will show up.

Yes, that’s right- when you clearly call in What You Want- the first thing that will happen is more of What You Don’t Want will arrive in your life!!!

WHY?

Stay with me here, because this is very important.

If you already were, right now, in total harmony with What You Want- it WOULD be in your life, NOW.

So, to get to where your vibration IS in full alignment with your Desire- what would have to happen?

Everything that was NOT in proper vibration would have to be brought up, so you could look at it, heal it, and release it.

This process would be the gift that offers you the opportunity to get into fuller alignment with your desire- Love.

That’s why Everything You Don’t Want shows up- so you can clear and release the patterns that no longer serve you.

And honestly, that can take some time, since most of us need time to truly let go and develop a new, more positive habit.

I love the way Neale Donald Walsch talks about this in his book Happier than God- he says that people have it backwards. They get all depressed and angry when What They Don’t Want shows up. Because they think it means they aren’t getting closer to What They Want. And then they go and ruin their positive vibration by focusing on all that is “Wrong”.

But the opposite is true! He states that when everything opposite shows up it's actually a great sign that What You Want is just around the corner!

But, only IF you stay SUPER CLEAR on What You Want- rather than get distracted by everything around you that You Don’t Want.

Make sense?

So right now, you are simply being called to remain steadfast and clear- and about What You Do Want.

There is no need for confusion or worry- It’s simply an invitation to stay absolutely crystal clear about what you DO WANT! That is all that is needed right now!

Just keep Holding the Vision and every day, many times a day if necessary, Refocus on What You WANT!

You are right, don't bother with the men who don't feel right.

Just take a pass on them. Once you know it isn’t a good fit- you don’t have to juggle them- just keep moving on.

Kinda like this.

- David shows up who has sleep apnea and you aren’t attracted to him.
“Thank you Universe for sending me David- to highlight what I do what. Here’s what I do want: A healthy guy I am wonderfully attracted to.” Spend a moment feeling the happiness of THAT guy in your life.

- Terry shows up who is horribly messy and very overweight.
“Thank you Universe for sending me Terry. Here’s what I do want: An organized guy who’s committed to doing whatever it takes to remain happy and healthy so we can grow old together.” Spend a moment feeling the happiness of THAT guy in your life.

- Chuck shows up who seems VERY complicated and very serious about life, and very perfectionist.
“Thank you Universe for sending me Chuck. Here’s what I do want: A guy who’s easy going and we share comfortable, fun-loving laughter together.” Spend a moment feeling the happiness of THAT guy in your life.

The idea is to take what the situation has shown to you is What You Don’t Want- and use it to immediately reaffirm What You Do Want!

Spend no more time on focusing on what isn’t right. Let it go and keep your attention on Your Gorgeous Vision of Love.

The key is to stay positively patient, yet proactive at the same time. I know you can do it!

Readers: How has the arrival of What You Don't Want actually helped you achieve what You Do Want?? Please share!

When the Going gets Old: Embrace Curiosity

Hi Dr. Jenn,

Well, back to juggling. I have been talking to several (8-10) men of all sorts, but only one's with grown kids and who I have a good gut feeling about.

There are only about three near here (within 20 miles) that seem most interesting.

One is of GREAT interest, but of course he lives the furthest away, all the way in Massachusetts!!

I love his lifestyle and the way he writes, and we have many common interests, and they are the interests that are the most important to me. He seems VERY available, if we only lived closer to one another. The distance seems like too big a hurdle, but you never know I guess.

For now, will continue to get to know the closer ones too, and meet them one at a time. So, just reporting that the juggling is going quite well. About where it needs to be for now.

Sure am tired though, of starting over and over.

Am doing the EFT tapping every day (from the recent Meditation Monday), and listening to the Brain Sync CDs, and also seeking deeper truths within me as to staying open, and aware of what feels right.

Also clearing out some old stuff that could be blocking the relationship depth I desire, and staying clear to what it is I REALLY seek and want, so as not to be taken for a ride by other things.

In a way, it is like turning over the process to some higher power, and just focusing on gratitude and love of what is. And I am very grateful for being able to share this with you!!

So, this is where I am today.

Lisa
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Lisa!

Glad to hear that you are back to juggling.

I KNOW it can feel daunting, this up and down, back and forth of dating. It’s easy to wish that was over and you were living your happily ever after- already!

So, do try to keep going back to viewing dating as an amazing journey, a process of self-discovery and growth- by embracing wonder & curiosity: Who is coming into my life next and what will the gifts and lessons be?!

Because it is through this journey, and the lesson learning that you are being prepared to meet your soulmate.

It cannot happen before you BOTH have been prepared and stand, ready & able.

As in everything else in life, it’s about learning to love the traveling, not just the destination. Consider this: What would help you enjoy the traveling more? Everyone has their own answer.

Of course, you know this already, but one way to do that is to keep the focus on the gratitude for the lessons and gifts, daily even, in your gratitude journal. Writing it down helps you keep your intention on the positive nature of your journey.

I do love that you have a sense of simply accepting and loving What IS, and turning it over to the Universe, with TRUST, KNOWING that you are right where you need to be and the process is unfolding as it should be. That is the place you want to keep standing!

And it’s super that you are making use of the tools that surround you, like the EFT Meditation and the Brain Sync CD’s. I encourage you to keep using them!

In fact, if you didn’t make it to the Pink Roses Meditation this week, I suggest listening to it- the imagery is simple, yet had a very heart opening effect for me. It’s an image you can play with whenever you need to. And it sends out that loving pink energy out into the world, to do what? Attract in your soulmate!

So, maintain that open space in your heart, and embrace curiosity and soon all sorts of wonderful things will be flowing your way!

With love and light,
Dr. Jenn

What Does Horse Shopping Have to Do with Dating? Everything!

Dr. Jenn-

Well, a very interesting turn of events!

I received a very nice email from Danny (whom I broke it off with a couple of weeks ago, after a very promising start).

Apparently he went to a rather transformative relationship workshop, and he had some major ah-ha’s about how he behaved toward me. He was very sweet, took responsibility for his behavior, and apologized. He seemed like he really “got it.”

He expressed interest in remaining friends.

I was pretty impressed with his email and I’m a bit tempted to see him again. He seems to be going through a lot of growing. Anyway, I will consider his offer to go to dinner to talk.

Not sure yet. Especially since there are a couple of other interested and interesting guys who are free from the burden of teenagers.It's been an interesting weekend. I didn't go on any dates, but I have talked to a couple of new guys, and have written to many.

And I put up a profile on a new and free matchmaking site called plentyoffish.com. Some say it is more populated than Match.com. It is free to post profiles there. So, we will see what the next couple of weeks bring.

Lisa

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Lisa,

Wow- that is very interesting!

I agree that it sounds like Danny has been on a serious path of growing and seems very sincere about looking within and transforming his patterns.

That was something you noticed about him from the beginning.

It is always delightful to see evidence that people are capable of insight, change, and growth. And yet, you, as well as I, know that true change, deep change that lasts takes time. And there are often many ups and downs as we work to shift our patterns from old to new.

Since both of you had a strong sense that your partnership may have real potential, I agree that it may be worth venturing back into that space of friendship, with an open mind, to see where a growing connection could lead.

But doing that KNOWING that the path of change is bumpy. Sometimes we can support each other nicely through these transformations. The right partner truly can be a powerful catalyst for personal growth.

Yet sometimes, taking on someone in the midst of change is more than you really bargained for. The outcome is so much more precarious. You’re investing more in the potential of someone, than who that someone already is.

As such, it’s a more high-risk endeavor. So, it’s just good to acknowledge that from the start and enter into it with eyes wide open, and even wider channels of communication!

It reminds me of buying horses.

Often you have a choice- you can buy a young, untrained horse who seems to have potential. Then you hope with time, patient nurturing, and many hours of consistent training- that the horse will bloom into the reliable partner you can truly enjoy.

And IF it works- since you took the journey together, the sense of teamwork, friendship, and accomplishment is a real reward.

But often it doesn’t work- there were too many obstacles to your vision becoming a reality. Maybe the horse gets hurt, turns out to not have the necessary talent, or has personality characteristics that don’t blend well with yours.

Thus, taking on the horse who needs transformation is a high risk endeavor- but with the opportunity for a high payoff.

On the other hand, you could buy an older horse, who is more expensive, but who is also already trained to do what you want to do.

With this horse, he has proven he is capable of the job- that he has the skills, ability, and character to be successful. So, right away, you are able to get on and enjoy it from the start.

Of course, there are risks with any horse, but here, the risks are much more minor and success more easily attainable.

I don’t mean to trivialize love by comparing it to horse shopping (although I have noticed many more similarities in finding a man and searching for a horse!). But I hope you can see the parallel dynamics.

When you pick someone with a proven track record of being who you’d like them to be, the chances are higher of a happy ending, then when you pick someone who is only beginning to learn to be the type of person you need them to be.

Whether this type of risk is worth it to you, always depends on many factors!

But in this case, moving forward into an exploratory friendship certainly has it’s merits!

Just something to consider!

Dr. Jenn

Picking a Partner is like Finding the Perfect Shoe!

Dr. Jenn,

Well, I emailed Terry and let him know how concerned I was about these few issues. Terry called to talk and ask about the nature of our relationship now.

I just feel in my heart that I would likely start to feel angry if I were dating a guy who claims to want to be healthier and have a cleaner house if he weren't doing anything about it. (I told him this in as nice a way as I could think of) .

I still believe that there MUST be a man out there who has done the things that he says are important to him.

These two items are not necessarily deal breakers, and I suppose I could learn to live with both issues, somehow, but with others out there who are interested in getting to know me, I really want to continue to juggle for a bit.

I am now talking to FOUR new and very interesting guys. I really don't think I am expecting perfection, but Terry was over the edge for me on those two things.

I know he was sad when I told him I was not ready to date him exclusively, and he is very busy with work for the next couple of months, so perhaps I need to think about it all more, and in the meantime check out a couple of other guys.

New ones are Kent, Bob, Mal, and Keith. Boy, I sure do seem to be attracting some good ones just now!!!

Lisa

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Hi Lisa,

I’m glad to hear that you expressed your concerns to Terry and you both were able to talk about it.

It seems like it may have been helpful to visit his home to see just how much of an issue it really was, but I think it’s really great that you tuned into your inner self and listened to it’s guidance: It just didn’t feel right.

This juggling period is the perfect time to really learn more about yourself, what you really need, what you can live with, what’s too much and what’s just right.

When it is just right- it feels like a perfect fit- like when you find just the right shoe- you slip it on and it’s comfortable, you feel like you’ve worn it your whole life and you could wear it easily all day long.

Until a relationship feels like the perfect pair of shoes- comfortable, easy, and supportive- it’s best to keep an open heart and mind as you explore all of the many facets of the people you are involved with.

Like the wrong pair of shoes, a partner who isn’t quite right- will cause some pinching, discomfort, or pain. You’ll want to take it off, take a break, or try other more comfortable shoes.

That’s normal and listening to how you really feel- that’s the light that guides your way. Keep following your light!

Dr. Jenn

Are You Missing a Fundamental Building Block?

Dr. Jenn,

I had a couple of really nice dates with Terry.

He was so excited to see me that he accidentally wore two different shoes!! We laughed and laughed about that. It was good to see he could go with the flow with such things.

After the dates though, I got to thinking about what he said about his house being a total mess. I must admit that this morning I am quite scared about how bad it might be. He says he bought a new vacuum because he couldn't find the old vacuum in the mess of his house. This was 18 months ago and it has not yet been taken out of the box it came in! He laughs about it, but it scares me.

Also, it seems that even though he says he wants to be healthy, he still eats at McDonalds often, and other fast food places, and this bothers me too. And now I know he is on high blood pressure meds, AND he is quite overweight.

It makes me want to back off from my emotional connection with him until I know more.

He says he wants to be healthier, and he wants to clean up his messy house, but he doesn't appear to be doing either. I know I could influence him, but I have a hard enough time keeping my SELF on a good diet and keeping the clutter out of MY life, so, even though we laugh a lot when together, I find I am emotionally backing off.

Today I re-opened my MATCH profile which had been hidden for the last month or so. I feel I need to remain open to options right now, especially because of these two big yellow flags with Terry.

My original list of WANTS in a man include someone who is reasonably neat and clean, AND someone who takes pretty good care of his body and of his health. Does the laughter that we share overpower these two WANTS? I don't know.

Is it my responsibility to take on these issues and help him with them? No, but I sure can see that by falling for him, and trying to make it work with him, that I WOULD also be taking on these extra burdens in my life, OR I would be deciding to live with him just as he is, a person who struggles to make changes, or really doesn't care to and is perhaps quite happy with things, even though he says he wants to change.

I don't know if he is wanting to make those changes in order to be with me or if he wants to make them for himself. And wanting to make changes and actually MAKING them, can be miles apart. So, as I mentioned before, I feel myself backing away from him emotionally, and keeping myself open to more "juggling".

Lisa

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Hi Lisa,

I am glad to hear that you are keeping your eyes on the red flags and not ignoring them!

It would be easy to temporarily sweep things like “messy house,” “poor diet,” and “overweight” into the corner and pretend that they are not there.

But you are being super smart in recognizing the very essence of the issue: That yes, you would be taking him on EXACTLY as he is.

A budding relationship needs to be built, above all, on acceptance of WHO the other person IS.

That is one of the most fundamental relationship building blocks of all.

If he hasn’t changed on his own, it isn’t likely he’ll change for you, or anyone else. Because like you say, it’s hard enough to change for yourself! Clearly that motivation has to come from within, and up till now it’s been missing.

You don't want to be "that woman" who mistakenly thinks she'll "change her man." Or that he will "love me enough to change."

Cozy sentiments, but not exactly based in reality, eh?!

So, it’s savvy to realize that you aren’t going to change this man. And smart to know yourself well enough to pause and say, “I’m not sure I CAN accept those things. I’m not sure that I WANT to accept those things.”

Just blindly going along and falling more in love with him would most definitely bring you to a much more complicated choice point in the future- when higher emotional attachments means bigger broken hearts. So slowing down the emotional intensity is a spot on move.

It's almost always better to walk away early after you've acknowledged some issues- rather than to stay and wait it out.

Once you become more deeply emotionally invested, it becomes harder and harder to walk away- even when you know you should. This is how relationships that should have lasted 6 weeks, last 2 years!

It seems to me that this is a case where you can “collect more data” and see how it goes, and keep tuning into your gut along the way. Maybe see his house first hand to get a clearer sense of what the situation is- after all couples do have to live together! And people’s idea of “a mess” can be very different.

But in the end, are the tradeoffs worth it? Only you can know.

But at this early stage of dating, there is no reason to “settle” if several major things just don’t match up. It’s always good to listen to your gut, heart, AND head!

Dr. Jenn

ps- By the way, being able to laugh about something as "embarrassing" as mis-matched shoes is a good personality trait to notice in a potential partner. If you can laugh when others get mad or sad- life together is so much easier!

True Test: Loving 'Who You Are' with Your Partner

Dr. Jenn

"Over- enthusiasm right from the beginning" is a good way to describe how I felt about the Danny adventure.

It was quite flattering at first, as most guys seem under-enthused, but I also kept thinking that he must not have dated much since he seemed to be jumping to conclusions that clearly were premature.

One good lesson for me, from the Danny experience, is that it clearly DOES take time to get to know another person. I do hope that he learned that lesson as well.

Another thing I’ve discovered is that more and more I see all men as the SAME man, really as mere reflections of me.

With the only difference being that each "male body" holds up a slightly different type of mirror, so that how I see them (in the mirror) is just a slightly different reflection of myself.

Some bring out my funny side, some bring out my angry side, some bring out my logical side, some bring out my spiritual side, etc And some are more comfortable to be with than others. I guess, at this stage of my life, I am looking for comfort, among other things.

Lisa

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Lisa

I agree that a major gift of this experience was learning that while being overenthusiastic and throwing your self into the moment can feel good on both sides- it really does mask the obvious- that you don’t even know each other!

Thankfully- you were able to keep the bigger picture in mind here and not join Danny too much in creating a fantasy world before creating the reality!

So much can change so soon in the early stages- that the joy is in the discovery- not trying to fast forward to a glorified, imagined future.

I also love that juggling is also allowing you to discover the gift of the Interpersonal Mirror. It is true that relationships act as mirrors shining back to us parts of ourselves.

Some partnerships highlight what we most enjoy about ourselves, while others bring out our worst. There is something to be learned from all of them!

But in the end, it does seem to me that the kind of love that lasts a lifetime comes when, in the mirror of our partner, we become our Best Selves.

When through our interaction, the highest parts of ourselves are encouraged to come out and play together.

It seems to me that great love allows us to fall back in love with ourselves, because we simply love WHO WE ARE with our partner.

Great love happens when the “me” who shows up around our partner is the person we’ve been trying to coax out into the sunshine all of these years, allowing her to glow in all of her natural radiance- rather than to hide in the shadows.

And there always will be shadows that show up in that mirror- but when they come out in this type of loving partnership- when they are seen with loving acceptance in the light of day- shifting them, releasing them, becomes so much easier.

This then, loving Who You Are with your partner, becomes a great barometer of whether someone is a great partner for you!

This is a gift my own husband offers to me every day. And it's a beautiful gift of a lesson on your dating journey!

Dr. Jenn

Can you Gracefully Let Go, Like an Autumn Tree?

Hi Dr. Jenn,

Well, it looks like Danny is "off" my list of possibilities.

After I had to remind him, for the third time that I don't know him well enough yet to become exclusive, I finally had to tell him that I was still talking to other guys and that I even met another guy in person.

He finally "got it" I think, and is feeling very hurt by it. Sounds like he is feeling “burned” even though I was honest with him the whole time. He’s not interested in communicating further.

I feel okay with his decision. It's just a plain fact to me that I am not and was not ready to commit to an exclusive relationship with Danny. Perhaps this is what you meant when you said it only works for so long, when one of the parties is being exclusive, and the other is not.

Since I was following my heart, and staying true to my feelings, this outcome is perfectly fine for me. It just tells me that Danny is not the right match for me.

I guess that he was "trusting" that I was being exclusive with him, even though I politely let him know all along that this was not yet the case. Oh well.

I don't yet know Terry as well as I thought I knew Danny, but with Terry things are moving in VERY good directions. We laugh soooo much. I'm excited!

Lisa

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Lisa,

I am so loving that you are seeing this situation with such clear perspective. Granted, it’s always easier to let one go, when you are excited about another one!

But still- you are so right on when you say “It just tells me that Danny is not the right match for me.”

So often people struggle right at this moment, when instead, they can just relax into the only reality that matters- the other person just wasn’t right for them.

Any time a relationship falls apart- it happens for only one real reason: It simply wasn’t meant to be. There is no point fighting that fact. That's a tiring, futile battle!

When you can fully grasp that truth- letting go comes naturally.

I liken it to the Tree of Love:

- Most partners come as leaves- for a short time, to bring a lesson, then depart.
- A small number come as branches- for a longer time, adding more substantial meaning to our lives.
- But only a tiny handful in our entire lives will ever be true trunks- people with whom we are meant to build a life with.

Danny was clearly a leaf- and just as the tree gracefully allows the leaf to drop away in the Fall, we can do the same- gently allowing nature to take it’s course.

And just as we can imagine the Tree saying, “Hey- it was so nice having you- I’m so glad we got to spend time together. I wish you the best,” we can part in appreciation.

That appreciation is easiest to grasp when we can clearly identify the lessons, the gifts, we were brought together to bestow upon each other.

Stepping into gratitude for those gifts is the best way to ensure that next time around, we attract an even better match!

So- what were the lessons, the gifts, that you and Danny offered each other?

Dr. Jenn

Are You Creating Myth or Reality?

Hi Dr. Jenn,

And the fourth time was pretty darn good too!!!To think that I ALMOST didn't see Terry again!

I think I may have something called ACTIVE IMAGINATION, where my thoughts read all sorts of things into where a relationship may be headed, or who a person may be, and then I take action based on those imagined thoughts.

I want to be more aware of when this happens in the future.

Yesterday Terry came to pick me up, and we went first to brunch and then to a plant conservatory that was filled with warm humid plants and beautiful music, and plenty of sunshine, and benches for just sitting together and watching the world go by.

We sat there for a long time, talking and people watching, soaking up the sunshine and the warmth. It was a perfect day!!!

And now it is back to work for both of us, but I have a feeling I will be seeing him next week.

I did get an email this morning from Danny, wondering where I have been and noticing that my emails to him have changed.

And they have. I now find myself thinking much more about Terry than about Danny.

And now I need a few days to work on me, and my new little place, and my new job.

Life sure is good!!!

Lisa

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Lisa,

I like how you call it Active Imagination! I call it Projection!!

Most of us have a bad habit of projecting all of our hopes, and wishes, and dreams onto a person before we know them.

We know just a little about them, and fill in the blanks with what we hope is true. Then we are surprised to find out 3 months later, that the person isn’t who we thought they were!!! Ooops!

Usually what we plug in is positive, so we are negatively surprised later on.

But as you have seen, you might also plug in something negative. Now you’ve been pleasantly surprised when the real Terry is being revealed!!

Either way, you hit the nail on the head.

It’s much better not to imagine or project anything. Since we are bound to be wrong when we fill in the blanks on a person, especially since we fill in the blanks based on our own past experiences!

For real love to arise,
We want to create an opening for something new and fresh to evolve.
And we want to allow a intimate connection to develop between the authentic selves.

Both those things can only happen when we open up the Sacred Space of Possibilities, and leave it clear for the truth to emerge between us.

Rather than to fill it in with all of the “garbage” our minds wants to spew forth into that space!

When you keep out expectations, hopes, dreams, and images- you allow your budding relationship to unfold without the heavy burden of myth- and instead you give it the space to become what it was meant to be!

To give that process room to grow organically, I encourage you to not think too much about it.

To be in the moment when you are with them.
And to be in the moment when you are not with them- meaning you aren’t thinking that much about them when they are not around!

Thinking too much about them when they are not around lends itself to fantasy more than reality.

Clear the slate of your mind before each interaction with them.
And continue to offer your authentic self in the moment to each of them.
Then the path will soon become obvious!

Enjoy the journey,

Dr. Jenn

3rd Times the Charm

Hi Dr. Jenn,

I just got home from my third date with Terry, to a movie and dinner.

And I am REALLY liking him. We laugh so much. And he is SOOOOO sweet and easy going. He sees the humorous side in most anything. I LOVE IT!!

He wants to see me again, soon.

I don't know Terry or Danny well enough yet, but if I had to choose between them today, Terry would win.

He is so sweet and cuddly and warm.

We saw SEVEN POUNDS, the new Will Smith movie, and he even cried!

Anyway, life is pretty darn good right now.

Lisa

*****

Lisa,

How awesome!

Isn’t it interesting how your feelings can change so much from one date to the next!?

After the second date, you were thinking of canceling this third date- and now you are really digging him!

That’s why I always recommend giving someone at least 3 dates, if you have any interest in someone at all.

It can take at least that long for the real person to start shining through. So, I am super glad you waited it out! That is a great dating lesson to have experienced.

And now the reward: A man who is in touch with his emotions enough to cry!

That’s one of my favorite male characteristics. In fact, when I was online dating, my profile said: “Bonus for a man who can remember the last time he cried.” So, Terry just earned bonus points in my book!

Don't worry about choosing, or how it will turn out- just keep allowing it to unfold in all of it's exciting glory!

You don’t have to KNOW anything right now, your only job is to enjoy the process and keep listening to your gut about how you feel!

Dr. Jenn

Exploring Concerns with a Noticing Statement

Hi Dr. Jenn,

I had a WONDERFUL time with Danny on New Year's Eve. He brought over some interesting music for us to listen to and also brought me a gift of SILK PJs. It seems too early in a relationship for such a gift, but to be kind I accepted it.

He sure does seem to be working hard to do everything right, including reading a Raw Food book that I recommended. It's almost like he is going overboard to do the things that would get me to like him. Too much, too soon, I think.

Even though I like being with him, I feel like I am needing to hold him off, and maintain time for my SELF. I really like what you had to say about BUILDING MY LITTLE NEST here without too many memories or influence of some guy.

Today I have another date with the Terry who I laugh with every time we talk. I am looking forward to that. I feel that Danny would not be happy if he knew I had a date with another guy today but the right opportunity to tell him did not present itself.

Is it important for me to keep reminding Danny that I am not yet wanting to be exclusive? It seems he is assuming that we are even though I have not told him that. How can I nicely remind him? Maybe not being so available for him will be enough.

Yes, I DO feel that I need more space from Danny. And he left his CDs here without asking and I will make a point of returning those the next time I see him. He wants to see me again tomorrow but I am thinking that I want an evening to myself. I can see that I need/want to schedule in at least one day to myself between dates with guys.

Another thing I noticed with Danny, is that there is some jealousy or something when I pay attention to my dog. My dog is NOT the get in your face type and has not asked for much attention when Danny is here. But Danny has barely even acknowledged that she exists. She is such a big part of my life, that I do want a guy who would like her too.

I like this stage of relationship, where I can just notice such things, and take some notes, and not feel I have to turn everything into a discussion. I also want to see how Danny is NATURALLY and not give him too many clues about exactly what I want and like because I feel he might be trying to BE just what he thinks it would take to win me over.

I am working hard at staying VERY aware that it takes time to REALLY get to know another person, and that the first person they portray, might not be who they REALLY are.

And I am also aware of the ways that I tend to want to be the person I think THEY would like and by being aware of that, I work at first being true to me AND to the little dog in my life.

I really like your suggestion to keep in touch with my girlfriends, etc. I DID go to a movie with my good friend Jamie the other day and we had such a good time catching up on life. I think that watching how a guy feels about that, can be a good clue too, to how he will be about it later. Some guys I have dated can be very possessive with me and my time... and not want me showing affection to my dog.... or spending time with my friends. And I plan to continue to do BOTH of those even IN relationship. Well, maybe it requires somewhat less time with friends but I do still want friends in my life. Right?

Will send a report soon about my date with Terry. We talked by phone again yesterday and again we laughed and laughed. Danny is NOT that easy to laugh with. He is much more serious and "driven".

One thing I really like about juggling is that it gives me something to compare each guy with and think about the options that I have when choosing one to share parts of my life with.

Lisa
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Lisa,

I just love how you are learning to savor this stage of dating! You totally get it now! It’s a real benefit to be able to notice how one person makes you feel versus another. Allows you to get to know yourself and what you really need much more clearly.

It’s also a step forward to be able to just notice things without having to DO something about it. Just noticing how things make you feel, making little mental notes, maybe forming a little hypothesis, then collecting more data.

Like this thing with Danny and your dog. You’ve noticed how this makes you feel, it’s like a little yellow light.

It’s true that you want to see who Danny is naturally, especially with a person who seems to want to please, a little too much. On the other hand, with a situation like with your dog, it’s the perfect opportunity to collect more data by having an open conversation about it.

Exploring something like that now, will give you more information about who he is.

And you can always bring up your concern about him trying to please you, too. I think that might be prudent given all of the signs he’s showing you.

Seeing how he’s able to engage in such a conversation will offer you much insight. If he can deal with something sort of small like this with grace, then it gives hope for handling the more intricate issues that develop later.

I always find that you can bring up these type of things easiest with a simple “I notice” comment.

Something like, “I noticed X about you and my dog. I’m curious, tell me more. ”

Just opening it up like that, will often give the person the opportunity to explain more about what’s going on for them.

Then AFTER you’ve heard their perspective, you can tell him a little about yours AND your needs. That’s ok too.

You want to help the other person understand your needs so it gives them the opportunity to meet them. They don’t have to guess what your needs are or what you want from them.

And in this case, you can follow that up with your concern about him wanting to please you, with a Sandwich, something like,

“It makes me feel so good when you do things like read the Raw Food book, because you know it interests me. That’s so nice. I haven’t dated many men who go out of their way to do things like that! (the positive) I noticed you seem to be willing to do a lot of things to please me. (the concern/negative). I know that in the past, I’ve sometimes been a little too willing to do things to please the men I’ve dated. I just want to make sure we don’t get into something like that here. It’s important to me that we both get to be ourselves. Of course, I think it’s great if we also stretch ourselves and learn about things that we each enjoy. What do you think? (Positive)”

This opens up a whole array of options to explore all sorts of things about both of you, without putting him on the defensive.

If you can have a conversation like this with someone, and have it go well- it tells you a lot about whether your relationship can withstand the tests of time!

Oh yes, and about reminding him of not being exclusive yet. If it makes you feel more comfortable, you can work it into this same conversation with something like,

“You know, I’m getting closer and closer to feeling like being with only you. (positive) It still feels right to take it slow and not just jump into being exclusive quite yet. I’ve had that get so messed up in the past, when I rushed it. (negative) I wanted you to know that I do think we are moving in that direction though (positive).

I invite you to give this whole conversation a try, with your own words of course!

And I do like how you are paying attention to what feels good to you- what you need, in terms of time and space. It’s very easy to just fall into the habit of giving all of your time to someone in the beginning and sort of losing yourself- and your friends!

It’s so important to stand strong and tall, in your Self, in your space. To not lose those boundaries of Who You Are.

As well all know, it’s when two Independent people come together, that they can offer each other Interdependence.

Interdependence is when two people can stand on their own two feet, AND be there to support and rely on each other. That is the healthy way to build love.

Plus, when you keep an active life outside of your partner, with friends and hobbies, you have more energy and ideas to bring back to the relationship to keep it fresh and exciting.

So it is important to see how a potential partner feels about outside friendships and hobbies. It really helps to have a good match in how you see those things. Some people want to be attached at the hip and others, like ships passing in the night.

You need to find a match with what feels good for you!

Let me know how it goes!

Dr. Jenn

Watching the Flower Unfurl

Dr. Jenn,

The date with Terry was low key, and nice enough, but I just don't feel a connection with him. Not enough in common perhaps??? He jokes a lot and we laugh, but he is overweight and kinda sluggish and slow. We have another "date" set, but I am feeling a desire to cancel it. My heart is DEFINITELY being stolen by Danny, who I am going out with again soon.

This will be our sixth or seventh date I believe. The other night he came to get me and we went shopping together. We had a GREAT time. We like all the same sorts of things. When he dropped me off here, we did some meditating together and our combined energies is amazing.

He is still very much focused ONLY on me. I am feeling I WANT to be focused only on him, but haven't told him so as yet. Even though I feel like I could easily do so, I am holding back on how much of myself I share with him.

I’m being VERY aware of how part of me thinks I ought to jump right in and share EVERYthing. Though there is another part of me, the new, wiser part, that tells me it is okay, at this stage, to not tell him everything. Maybe it is even okay at EVERY stage to not tell the person you are with everything.

I can see now, that in my past, I was likely way too open way too soon. I do like though, how open Danny is with me. And he feels like I am the best thing that ever happened to him. And that makes me smile.

So, I am VERY tempted to put all of my eggs in the Danny basket for a time, to see where it goes. Not quite there yet, but sure am moving in that direction. I suspect that when the time is right, I will feel it very strongly, and it will then be very easy to let the other guys know I am no longer available. Right?

I think the fact that I have no desire to be reading new profiles online just now, tells me SOMEthing. Part of me wants to fully and totally relax into this one relationship and see where it takes us.

Based on past dating experiences, I am finding I am a bit afraid to go there so I need to take it slow and allow any relationship a chance to grow on it's own if it does. I find that I am needing to get out of the way and allow it to be what it will and be okay with whatever that is.

Lisa

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Lisa,

It sounds like things with Danny are moving in the right direction- that is how juggling ends- you just one day feel like that is the ONE person you most want to spend time with. The others melt away from importance.

So, I really like that you are taking your time getting there, just noticing each little step along that route- rather than jumping right in.

There is so much to learn about yourself when you slow down and take note!
And you are doing such a great job doing that!

I love how you are noticing what you want to do, what you would normally do- but how you are now able to decide what you will do. That’s the difference between knee jerk reacting, and it’s better cousin, responding, based on what’s best for your own Highest Good.

While opening yourself all up at once can feel good in the moment, it creates a pseudo-closeness that isn’t real yet. You think you really know someone, but knowing someone is about seeing how they are over time, in different situations, not just what they “tell you.”

I love this that you said: “I need to take it slow and allow any relationship a chance to grow on it's own if it does. I find that I am needing to get out of the way and allow it to be what it will and be okay with whatever that is.”

That’s true wisdom, right there!

Taking your time, discovering each new layer, exploring the next level of deepness and savoring the experience the whole way, allowing it to be what it is, not what you want it to be- that’s the healthy way to grow a great love.

It's like watching and allowing a flower to slowly unfurl, each petal at a time, opening to see the light, not needing it to be anything other than just what nature intends.

And I think your bit of fear about “wanting to fully and totally relax into this one relationship and see where it takes us” is normal. It comes from knowing that when you rushed in, in the past, it didn’t always have a positive outcome. It’s a sign that yes, it’s not quite yet time.

The time will be right when that little fear melts away, because you’ve seen enough of Danny, over time, to have the yellow lights turn into a bright green, glowing light, beckoning your heart forward.

Then committing to this one developing relationship, and relaxing into it, allowing it to evolve ever more deeply, will be the most natural thing in the world.

And most rewarding, because you will know you’ve followed your heart, without losing your head!

Enjoying the unfolding of this journey with you,

Dr. Jenn