Monday, December 22, 2008

Should I Let Him Come Over on the Second Date?

Dr. Jenn,

Talked with Danny on the phone and we determined the day for our next date BUT...He is suggesting that he come over here.

What do I say to him? Do I just say that I am not ready for that yet? Do I say I would prefer to have a certain number of dates first, without going to each other's homes? And how many would that be, to give us a chance to get to know each other?

I think that I can learn a lot about a person by seeing where he lives. Would it be okay for me to suggest that I stop by his house on our way to dinner? And drive separately? This would only be our second date.

I really think I need to keep things cool and slow ESPECIALLY since he seems to be wanting to rush things along. I think I will compose some sort of careful "boundaries" email to him tomorrow.

Yes, I need to set some boundaries, and keep them clear, and stick to them. Yes, I really want to stay focused in what is real, and not what either of us may be fantasizing. And THANKS for your suggestion to "watch what I am thinking too".

There is one other guy who I have been talking to, who I find quite interesting as well, and in the name of "juggling" I would really like to meet him too. Now Danny is pretty sure that he ONLY wants to see me, and no one else, so how do I let him know that I am still interested in meeting this other guy, or do I actually need to do that.

Could I just make plans to meet the other guy and just not be available to see Danny that night? What am I obligated to tell Danny at this point in a relationship?

I am still well aware that there might be some big deal breaker that shows up, and I DO want to be careful not to move things along too quickly.



Hi Lisa-

Yes, some boundaries would be good!

I don’t think I’d do that via email though. Consider this instead: Sometimes you don't have to spell them out in bold language- especially right in the beginning like that it could be off putting- YOU just have to maintain the boundaries from your end!

So, going to either of your houses on a second date is not wise- especially if he is rushing. You can just suggest a different place to meet (“I have a great idea, why don't we...”) and if he asks- you can just say you "like to save that for later."

Sure, I agree- you can learn about him by checking out his place- but I'd wait another couple of dates, even on that. Why put that pressure on yourself? No rush.

When to go to his place, really depends on your own abilities to maintain the physical boundaries with all that chemistry! If you know you tend to be weak-willed and too easily give in to desire, then you wait longer- and keep meeting in public places!!!

I do like your idea of starting that process by just popping in and out of his house, or just picking each other up- not staying- that means less chance of ending up in a horizontal position!

Now- another thing to consider: how on earth can Danny KNOW he only wants to see you when he's only met you once!!! What does that tell you about him???

At this point in your acquaintance- and that's all it really is- you don't have any obligation to tell him anything really.

You've already broached the topic of juggling with him, right? He knows where you stand on it.

Until you've gone out at least 4-5 times or more, it's not even a relevant concern. I mean, at this point- you aren't yet "friends"!

You don't have to tell him anything more- in fact, if he's uncomfortable with it, I just wouldn't say anything more- right now. You just go about your business like normal, making dates, living your own life.

While I encourage transparent dating- think about it this way:

Your life is NOT AN OPEN BOOK for him , yet.

Right now, he is just getting introduced to a chapter at a time- not whole chucks of it! He has no right to read through the entire thing on the first sitting. He has to prove he is worthy of getting to the juicy parts!

Be like a fine novel, enjoyed a chapter at a time.

Let me know how it goes!

Dr. Jenn


Carolin Dahlman love coach said...

Great reply. I think it is important that you Lisa make your own decisions and do what YOU want. If he want to meet at his and you don't, just say NO. What makes you want to do what he want you to do? Do you think he will go away if you don't give in? Question that thought and let Dr Jenn help you find your "girl friend value". You have a lot to give, don't you? You are worth waiting for!

Carolin, love coach in Australia

Dr. Jenn said...

Carolin- thanks for stopping by!

You make a great point- dating is all about learning about ourselves and stepping into our Best Self.

Situations that crop us, ask us to tune into our own truth- What's really best for me?

We talked about tuning into your truth a few posts back by checking in with your body, your gut.

When we step out of our heads and into our bodies- the best course of action usually becomes apparent!

And as you mention- it isn't about pleasing him, it's about doing what feels right for YOU! One can get all sorts of opinions and advice, but in the end, only you can decide what's best for you!