Sunday, December 21, 2008

Great First Date: Is Lisa About to Make the Most Common Dating Mistake?

Hi Dr. Jenn,

I met Danny for the first time and IT WAS WONDERFUL!!!

He has taken himself off the online dating sites. I will probably do the same too, soon. It was by far the best first meeting with a man in a VERY, VERY, VERY long time for me.

And we did quite a bit of email exchanging before meeting so we know that we have a lot in common and are looking for the same things from relationship.

He has been divorced for two years and has dated very briefly, two other women. He has a 15 year old daughter still living at home, so that could be interesting but he claims she is encouraging him to date.

Yep, I guess it pays to just KNOW the right person will show up soon. I am VERY excited about Danny but remembering all that you have said and playing it cool, except for a bit of friendly teasing. I plan to wait for a few more dates before inviting him here. There is no rush and this is such a fun time to be "growing" the desire and anticipation, right?

Please tell me more about why it is so important to take things slowly, and not rush into the physical, even when there is a LOT of physical chemistry. Lisa



So glad to hear that your date went as well as hoped! I know nothing is more exciting than meeting someone you think has potential, especially after a dry spell.

But as you know, the only safe way to date is to go SLOW!

Going too fast, falling head over heels, before you even KNOW who you are falling for, is dangerous.

In fact, I’d say Moving Too Fast is the number one mistake singles make!

Hearts get broken every day because we get ahead of ourselves, fantasizing about the ideal image of a man, when we hardly know any of the reality of that man.

We see that a couple things line up, get excited, then plug the rest of what we want to be true into our growing fantasy about who he COULD be.

That’s why it’s important to go slow- 9 out of 10 times we get to 1 month, 3 months, and we are surprised to find that this person isn’t at all what we were hoping for. Then with another aching heart we go back to the drawing table.

Your heart doesn’t have to ache so much if you don’t get overly emotionally invested in someone before they’ve proven they are worth giving your heart and mind to.

And leaping prematurely into bed in response to that chemical attraction is the worst possible way to rashly heighten that emotional connection- before you even know if you actually LIKE him all that much!

Getting physical and having sex too soon is a super bad idea for woman because oxytocin gets released.

Known as the “cuddle hormone,” it actually makes you feel more bonded and attached to this guy- so you better make sure as heck that he’s a guy you actually want to feel bonded to- otherwise, it’ll make it tough to walk away from a situation that needs to be walked away from.

Bottom line: Sex increases your expectations, heightens your emotional involvement, and seriously reduces your ability to be objective about who this person really is!

None of these things are helpful in the beginning of a budding attraction. It leads to all sorts of foolish decision making that you most often regret later!

So yes- hold your horses- both the physical and mental ones.

You want to go slow physically, but also be aware of what you are saying even in your head! What you say to yourself, the picture you are building up in your mind- is even more important than what you say and do with the other person!!

Try not to build up anything in your mind.

As you said- now is the time to simply relax, sit back, and enjoy the delicious process of watching a new attraction unfold. And especially, don’t jump to any conclusions about him being the perfect soulmate after one date!

PS- Don't take your profile down any time soon!

Dr. Jenn

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