Entering the 'Go Slow Zone'

Dr. Jenn,

I had my second date with Danny. We met (my idea) at a small upscale mall to eat and walk around and enjoy the lights and atmosphere. We ended up at the Barnes and Noble and that proved to be a WONDERFUL place to spend another hour.

He bought two books that I said I thought were very good: IF THE BUDDHA WERE IN RELATIONSHIP by Charlotte Kasl and LOVING WHAT IS by Byron Katie.......and he bought another about understanding women.

When we peeked at THE SECRET, he said it was that book that brought me into his life. I just smiled.

It was a very nice and loving evening indeed. He sure is doing and saying everything right, and I notice how we both become more relaxed when we are together. Yep, very nice indeed.

Thankfully, Danny was very receptive to taking things slow and forming a friendship and we talked quite a bit about that.

He wanted to know how many times I thought it would be good to get together if we were dating. I said I thought about 1-2 times a week would be good at first, and he agreed.

I DID tell him that I intend to meet a couple of the guys I have been talking to, and he seemed fine with that. I will be happy to answer truthfully any questions he may have about it, if he does.

I remember one guy who I met a few years ago. He was juggling and planned to meet about ten women, and then make a decision. I liked him a lot and was hoping to be the chosen one. I felt a bit hurt when I was not but I really respected him for being honest with me. And I think that I was second in line, and that is not so bad out of ten!

We had some nice things in common, but he WAS a little old for me being about 9 years older so I figure it was all meant to be just as it happened

More juggling to do, I’ve got a date with another new guy coming up soon, Terry. Plus, I have two more guys online who are also interesting and interested in getting together soon.

I realized that I have done plenty of juggling BEFORE meeting in person. But I always just figured upon meeting that I had to make a YES/NO decision about each one. Now, I sure do like the notion of being able to take my time to get to know each one a bit better, if some chemistry is there. Yep, life is good!! This is working for me so far and I thank you for your wisdom!!

Lisa
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Lisa-

So glad to hear the second date went swell and that he seems to be willing to “get with the program” by slowing down a bit!

I think you can tell a ton about a person by the kind of books they read- in fact, spending time at a book store early on is a fantastic date for that very reason!

So from Danny’s 3 selections, I’m very impressed!! Interested in self-growth, spirituality, and relationships- doesn’t get much better than that! All green lights so far!

I’m glad you are feeling more relaxed about juggling and the process of getting to know people on a more friendly level- there is no rush and no need to figure things out. Time always tells! Usually sooner than we would like it to anyway!

Glad you gave Danny the idea of 1-2x a week in the beginning! That’s right on target. There are several aspects to consider when you plan on going slow, so I’m including them below for your consideration.

5 Go Slow Zone Strategies

In the beginning (typically the first month or so), it helps to follow some general guidelines.

1. DO: A date once a week
DON’T: Spend all weekend together

2. DO: A couple of emails a week
DON’T: Email several times daily

3. DO: A phone call during the week to make plans or touch base
DON’T: Talk on the phone every day

4. DO: Keep up with your hobbies and interests
DON’T: Immediately invite them to become a constant companion in all of your favorite pursuits (If it doesn’t work out, your favorite activity will now be a painful reminder of them!)

5. DO: Keep seeing your friends, separately from your new love interest
DON’T: Start spending less time with your friends- your friends are forever, this person only has “potential”

All of these strategies are designed to invite someone into your life, gradually.

By doing it slowly but surely, you lessen the risk of becoming overly emotionally dependent on someone you don’t even know yet!

Think of it as both of you earning the right to step further into each others’ hearts, to further explore the territory of You.

Let me know how it goes in the Slow Zone!

Dr. Jenn