Monday, October 27, 2008

Why Less "Hunter" and More "Hunted" Gets the Man


Awesome, huh!?

Not that I advocate playing games, but holding back just a little, tinsy-tiny bit can have positive effect on a guy. It gives him the space to pursue you.

Which is evolutionarily wired into his man brain. Been that way for eons. No point in trying to work against that, eh?

Work with it, and let him come to you….with flowers AND chocolate!

And what to do next??

You are right on, here.

It’s SO easy once it starts to look like it’s going well, to pounce on the situation and get over-eager.

But, that’s a BIG mistake!

Because if you start pursuing a man, his hard wired instincts will make him turn around and run.

Think about it, if a tiger turns his attention on him, what’s a man to do? RUN!

But if the tiger is not paying much attention to him, and the man is hungry, what’ll he do? Creep up on the tiger, and have him for dinner (think lots of sweet nibbling).

Ok, maybe that’s a weird analogy, but you know what I mean!

So, even when the tide is turning with a new love interest and it seems like it’s heading in the right direction, keep your attention on your own life (not obsessively on him), and on being happy.

That’s when your easy going, glowing, centered, joie de vivre, will have him coming back for more, and more!

Readers: Please share- when has a little holding back helped or harmed a developing attraction?

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Why is it Surprising When a Date Actually Goes Well!??

Had my third date yesterday with the architect. It was super nice.

He too claims to have had a VERY wonderful day yesterday.

He just called to say good night and to say he was thinking about me all day.

I am still listening to your advice about following his lead.

And it sure does seem to be working to keep him moving in my direction!

I have been dating for a long time, and this is the first time that a man brought me BOTH flowers AND chocolates on a third date!!

It actually surprised me and I had to shake my head several times and tell myself that he IS interested and not just being polite!

Even his kiss on the bridge took me totally by surprise.

I guess I have just gone through the motions of getting ready for a date so many many times only to have them turn out bad that I could hardly believe that this one could be so good.


I guess just more of the same...stay busy with my regular life, yet be ready to tune in when love or attention comes my way, right?

Friday, October 24, 2008

Signs Someone is Emotionally Available

Last time I promised you that I'd show you how you can assess whether your new date is really emotionally available- because if you haven't got that- you haven't got anything.

First things first... what all this “emotional availability” stuff boils down to is this:
How much closeness do you prefer in a relationship?

I call it Comfort with Closeness.

Some people actually like to be like ships passing in the night, others want to be joined at the hip.

It doesn’t matter which you are, but here’s the straight talk.

You absolutely HAVE TO find someone who is a good match on this continuum from distant to close.

This isn’t a negotiable.

Otherwise you get the whole: “You pursue them, They distance from you” cycle which has been written about so much I could up my entire library on the subject.

Bottom line: When it’s a mismatch, it sucks. Hard. Painfully so.

And don’t think you’ll change this about someone.

Oh, no, no, no!

This puppy rarely budges because it’s a personality characteristic that you developed from the time you were a wee one, by modeling what happened at home.

So get this right, and get it right from the start. There’s no use wasting previous time, effort, and emotion on someone whose idea of what closeness should look like isn’t the same as yours.

How To Tell?

Ok, on to how to judge this about someone.

This Comfort with Closeness thing has 5 dimensions and you can start picking up on them right from the first date.

Below are the 5 areas and some ways to judge them, in yourself and others.

1. Mental Space- This is how much you think about your partner
- Are they preoccupied with you? Obsessed by thoughts of you? Constantly fantasizing about you?
- They say, “Oh I wanted to remember to tell you about…”
- They say, “Oh I saw something that reminded me of you today”
- They say, “Oh, I knew you would like this thing I saw, heard, etc”
- They email you articles or links they think you would like.
- You think about them every few minutes.
- They mention things in the future you might do together.
- The remember things you’ve told them, and ask about them later.

2. Time – How much time you want to spend together
- They always make time to see you, even if they are busy.
- They want to spend almost every weekend night together.
- They are happy to be together even if you can’t focus on each other (you’ve got work to do).
- They want to spend all weekend with you.
- They call, email, or text all the time.

3. Affection- How much verbal and physical affection you prefer
- They often give you compliments
- They touch you frequently
- They are quick to give a hug
- They love to cuddle
- They easily or often say they like, love, adore you
- They make you feel appreciated by actions and words
- You have sweet nicknames for each other
- You like to hold hands or have other PDA’s out in public
- You get lots of kisses
- They offer verbal support and encouragement

4. Independence- How much you like to keep your life separate, or how much space you need.
(Here the examples are more on the distant side)
- They often need space.
- They prefer to keep their friends separate.
- They like to do their hobbies without you.
- It’s hard to get to know them- you feel a wall.
- They hold back on personal information.
- They aren’t eager to introduce you to friends or family.
- They need plenty of alone time.

5. Teamwork- how much of a “we” you prefer to be
- They often say “we”
- You feel like a team
- You make decision together, they ask for your input on choices to be made
- You are more interdependent than dependent or independent
- You turn to your partner to share your day first
- You ask for your partner’s opinions and input on issues and concerns
- You feel like you can face the world together
- You feel like you belong to each other
- You turn to your partner for support and sharing feelings.

- You share money and expenses.

Start paying attention to all of these factors and you’ll get a good sense of how emotionally available someone is.

Get to know what your preferences are first, then compare that to your new dates. Again, give it some time to ramp up over a month or two.

When you sense a mismatch, collect more information over time, and make a decision- don’t let it sit and fester until you become immobilized and can’t walk away.

If I could pick the most important compatibility factor, this is it!

So it pays to be on alert.

What signs do you use to gauge someone’s emotional availability?
Please share.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Emotional Availability: The MOST Important Factor


These are all great questions.

And let me tell you, you’ve hit the nail on the head!

Is it important to find a guy who is emotionally available?


It’s by far the most important factor when picking a mate.

Have you ever heard a woman complain: “Man, my husband is just so emotionally available. He’s so open and supportive, warm and thoughtful. I can’t stand it!”

Ummm, no.

But therapists get rich (ok, maybe not rich) by seeing scores of couples where the woman complains that her guy is always in his man cave, unavailable to talk, to be close, to touch.

So, emotional availability is one of the first factors you need to assess.

To answer your question, it’s normal to take a while for people to warm up in a new dating relationships. I’d give it 1-2 months to get a better read on someone’s true availability.

If your idea of emotional availability doesn’t match theirs by month 3? Outta there. It ain’t gonna change.

And as to your other question about whether more accomplished career guys seem to be less emotionally available?

Well, there are plenty of really successful guys who are also emotionally available.

But, let’s be honest…many guys who have been single forever, and have focused a ton on their careers, are well, just a tad bit distant. Just think of the time alone- success usually means much less personal time.

They’ve chosen a priority and love wasn’t it.

So, even if they really want to be present, they haven’t had much practice and those habits can be hard to break.

Stay tuned. More next time on how to assess a person’s emotional availability!

Well, readers what’s your take on Lisa’s questions here? Would love to hear!

How to Tell if He's Emotionally Available?

As I meet men I am finding that it seems that the more accomplished a man in in his career, the less emotionally available he seems to be.

Have you heard this before, and can you speak to it?

Is it important to find a guy who is emotionally available........or does that usually take a good deal of time to happen, and how much time?

I was in a long marriage where the guy was NOT emotionally available......and I don't want THAT to happen again.

How long does a woman have to wait to see if a guy will be able to open up?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Are You Choosing Self Preservation or Self Growth???


Man, that sounds depressing!

What exactly brought that on?

I mean, I guess you are right...hardly anyone makes a decision that they think will end in self destruction.

Umm, well, wait a minute...I can think of many singles who make lots of decisions that are not in their best interest! At least not logically!

But anyway, the way you put it sounds so depressing. Maybe we could say that people are always looking out for number one, but to improve their lives, to grow, to change, because they hold a vision of tomorrow that is better than today.

At least that's what I hope for!

But, yes, many people do get stuck in "preservation" mode, instead of "growth" mode.

And that's the kiss of death when trying to find the perfect partner.

You've got to break out of old molds, discard old patterns, and embrace new ways of being in the world and in relationships.

Only then can the story finally have a happy ending!

Readers: What do you think- are the people you meet stuck in self preservation or are they flowing in self-growth???

Please share!

Self Preservation?

As I see it....people ultimately make decisions in life based on one thing..

And that is....self preservation....and what they think is best for them (and perhaps their loved ones too) at the time or for the future.

And I think that this is the case whether they feel they are needing reduced stress, more money, more excitement, a purpose in life, or whatever.

Anyway....that's my insight of the day!


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

MatchMaker, Find Me a Match!


So, Table for Two is essentially a matchmaking service. They meet you, chat with you about who you are looking for, then set you up with hand-picked dates.

I think using a matchmaker is GREAT under some conditions.

It’s a great option, if you are too busy to meet quality people, if you are burned out on online dating, if you just can’t find the right type of partner.

Hey- they do all the work, you just show up. That’s a decent deal.

But, it’s usually more expensive than most people can afford. That’s it’s main draw back.

The other main drawback?

Although I’ve worked with some great matchmakers- not all are created equal!

So it’s critical to check references with past clients, to make sure you’ll get what you pay for.

Ask to speak with clients who they have been both successful and unsuccessful with to see what they have to say about the service, BEFORE you commit.

I can’t make that point more boldly. Check references!

The bottom line?

Here’s my main philosophy when it comes to dating to find your soulmate:

ANYTHING is worth trying, once.

Your soulmate could be patiently waiting for you anywhere:

At the next speed dating event,
On that park bench over there,
Sitting at your favorite coffee shop,
Standing in your favorite section of the book store,
At a singles dance,
or another client of Table for Two waiting to be set up with you.

The important thing is to remain open to every opportunity that comes your way.

Then make the most of it, by acting on it.

Take a deep breath, and take a moment to check in with your gut. “Gut (or heart), what do you think I should do?”

If you get a green light, go ahead. It’s hardly ever a mistake to try.

As long as you keep dating with the positive expectation that your soulmate is out there and will be coming into your life, then everything you do will take you one step closer to finding him.

Even if you don’t meet him through Table for Two, you no doubt will learn some very important lessons through the experience that will bring you closer to finding true love.

That’s what makes it an adventure.

So, go for it!

Or at least have the free consultation and then check your gut, your bank account, and references, first!

Readers: Have you had positive or negative experiences with matchmakers? Would you use them again?

Is Hiring a Matchmaker Worth It?

I was just looking online at the TABLE FOR TWO dating service here in Minnesota....and wondering if it might be a good choice for me.

They offer a free 30 minute consultation, so I may go in to check it out, especially since this is the stage that I can be checking LOTS of folks out.

And I am just too burned out on the online sites that seem to have so many guys just looking for casual relationships........and I hate all I have to go through to figure that out.

I think that with TABLE FOR TWO, they figure that out for me ahead of time, so I will only meet guys interested in what I am interested in.

What do you think?


Monday, October 13, 2008

Smart Tips for Long-Distance Online Dating

If despite the risks (see previous post), you do decide to move forward with a long-distance romance that starts on-line, do it smartly!

Smart Tips For Testing Out a Long-Distance On-Line Romance

1. Get to a live, in-person meeting as soon as it is realistically possible. (Not 6 months later.)

2. Set up the first visit at one of your hometowns. You want to get as realistic a picture as possible right from the beginning.

3. Go for a 2-3 day stay if possible. Try a range of activities, see their home, meet their friends, go along on errands. All of this will help you get a better sense of the
real person.

4. The next visit, meet at the other person’s hometown.

5. If you can’t meet at least one a month, it’s probably not worthy trying- it will take too long to even see if you are compatible in real life. Remember, talk is cheap. Action is real.

6. You’ll definitely need to spend longer periods together to determine if you should even consider moving to the same location. Try a couple week long vacations, again in the hometowns.

7. Always, always, always address concerns and red flag issues as soon as they crop up. You can’t afford to wait and see in this type of situation.

8. If it ever doesn’t feel right in your gut, it’s time to cut it off and move on to more promising, and closer options.

Readers: What other advice do you have about making an online, long-distance romance successful?

Please share!

Long Distance? Long Shot, Low Odds!

Well Lisa, you already had one long distance dating disaster this year (when after several months you discovered he was a total fraud!)- so you KNOW the dangers of long distance!!!

It’s so risky to meet someone on-line from a different state, for so many reasons.

1). As you discovered, they may not even be WHO they say they are. It sucks, but there are unsavory people out there. They may be lying about their age, martial status, appearance, employment, even their gender! Or worse, they may try to scam you out of money- a far too common occurrence.

2). But even if they are who they say, another issue is that you typically spend a LOT of time and energy on the phone and email, before you ever met. You can WASTE months getting to know someone, then when you finally meet, you discover that the chemistry evaporates, physically and emotionally.

3). Even if you do meet and enjoy each other, if you continue a long distance affair mostly via phone, with only occasional visits- what you are constructing is a VIRTUAL relationship. A connection that exists mostly in your mind. You don’t get to see how each other really behaves in real life.

You only get a tiny selection of who they are. And worse, with only occasional visits, when you do rendezvous, you get only a honeymoon type of effect, with all that built up anticipation and excitement- you share only care-free, happy times focused only on each other- hardly what a real relationship is like.

The bottom line of this is that you don’t get a true sense of what it would really be like to have this person in your life on a daily basis. It’s more fantasy than reality.

4. Even if you make it past all of this, someone is going to have to move eventually, and completely up-end their life, for what will still be a big risk. Often when you go to live together, after your fairy tale long-distance romance, it falls apart, in the stark light of reality.

Am I saying it could never work out? Am I saying you should never try to date long distance?

No- of course not. On rare occasions, it’s possible to find your soulmate on-line half a country away, and make it work.

But as you can see, the risks are high, the likelihood of a happy ending, pretty tiny.

Even then, it will be expensive! Add up all of the travel costs, phone bills, and that heart aching longing!

Is it worth it? Only you can decide!

Readers: Have your long-distance, online romances had a happy ending?

Please Comment!

Long Distance Intrigue, From Lisa

Not much to update with on the man scene.......except it is another Friday night.........and I have NO DATE!!!!

Did just get a call from Gary in California and the more we talk, the more we learn we have a LOT in common.

He even hinted tonight at coming here to meet me...and exploring possibilities.....if we like each other.

We are both sort of free spirits....both into healthy eating and living......but I am deathly afraid of doing the long distance thing........after a bad experience with it earlier this year.

Still.......I am just not finding men who think like I do, here in MN. The only things keeping me here are my kids, grand kids, and the possibility of getting back into product design.

Talk to me a bit about ways to possibly make the distance thing work.

Would it be best if one of us spends time where the other get to know each other?

Since we are both so foot loose and fancy about if we decide together to go somewhere totally new.......for a bit, and see what we can build..........with plenty of apart time to start.

Any advice would be helpful!!!!


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Assessing Readiness to Date After a Loss


Excellent questions!

You are being a savvy single- that’s for sure!!!

And no, you should NOT have given him more of a chance.

His behavior is speaking loud and clear: “I’m NOT ready for a real relationship.”

And since that’s what you want, you move on, no time to waste here.

Because you’re definitely right: It sounds like this man is not really emotionally available and thus, not truly ready to be dating (at least seriously).

AND you noticed three huge red flags that tell you so: He’s still using “we”, he talks a lot about this wife, and he admits to thinking a lot about her.

All of these things give you an idea of how much MENTAL SPACE his wife still has in his brain. And in this case- there is no room left for you to be on his mind!

In fact, I think assessing mental space and these 3 signs are a great way to tell if someone is ready to date again.

Plus one more thing: Do they seem needy and clingy? Many people who have lost a spouse haven’t really stood on their own two feet for quite some time and they long for their needs to be met. When they meet someone, they come on too strong and you feel overwhelmed by them. Big Red Flag.

Signs that Someone is Ready to Date After a Loss:

How much do they use we?
How much does the partner come up in conversation?
How much do they still think about them (it’s ok to ask about this!)?
How needy and clingy are they?

Just check in on those four things and see what your gut tells you about it.

Any special guidelines for someone who’s spouse has died?

You know, in general it’s similar. But I do think there is something that is different if you have lost your spouse versus broke up with an ex.

If you have been married to someone for a long time, it’s normal to still talk and think about them. It’s normal for a large part of your identity to have been wrapped up in the past relationship.

It does take time for these things to shift.

And in the meantime, it does make sense to honor their partnership.

It was important to them, and you can show that relationship it’s proper respect. Occasional stories or thoughts are ok- it’s natural.

But these should decrease over time as the person develops a more separate identity.

If it happens more than you are comfortable with, or you feel like you are in a 3 way relationship- it’s a sign that you may not be a good match, at this time.

How long does it take?

The time it takes to grieve a loss and really be ready for a serious relationship varies widely due to circumstances and individuals.

In general, if someone has been married for awhile it isn’t unusual for it to take up to 2 years (or more) to really be emotionally available.

You really need to assess such things on a case by case basis, with the keys mentioned above!

Smart radar- it’s important to catch these things early and NOT ignore them, but realize that they would take you down a very different path than the one you want to be on to find your soulmate!

Readers: What others signs have you noticed that tell you that a widow(er) isn't ready to get serious?

Please share!

When is a Widower Really Ready to Date?

I've been writing to a guy on Perfect Match who was not actually listed as such a "perfect" match by PM...........but I figure it is good to get to know him anyway, since there are not that many who are sincerely interested.

After about 3-4 email exchanges back and forth I noticed that he talked a lot about "we" meaning he and his former wife.

"We" have this and "we" do that........and it occurred to me that he has likely not fully grieved his loss.

His wife died two years ago......and he has just started to date.........and is looking to meet LOTS of women.

So we exchanged a few more emails, and the more we wrote the clearer it became that he truly is NOT at the same dating stage that I am at.

So, I was very honest with him and told him I thought it was very good that he was getting started, but from my own experiences I felt he would want to meet many people to get a feel for what sort of person he wanted. I told him I had been through that stage years ago.......and because of our very different places on the dating scene.......I wished him well.........and he hasn't written back.

He really felt he was ready to be dating, but also said he thought about his former wife almost all the time.

I’ve had this experience a couple of times before, dating guys who had lost their wives........and the guy sees nothing wrong with including his wife a LOT in the conversations..........what she would have liked etc.......
and it makes me feel like an intruder into their life.

Should I have given him more of a chance?
How can I best tell when a guy really IS ready and available to date?
Are there any special rules or guidelines for dating widowers?
How long DOES it usually take for a man to move on.......and let go of so many of the memories, and make room in his life for someone new?


Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Win, Noted, From Lisa

It's going into my journal RIGHT NOW!!!

To be grateful that I was so good at learning soon if the guy is on "my" relationship track........and wants the sort of future I want.

I am finding that on Match (and yahoo personals) there are lots of guys who just want a casual relationship...with frequent get-togethers, but no future of living together or marriage or building a life together. The more permanent relationship style guys seem to be on the more expensive sites.......such as Perfect Match and eHarmony and Great Expectations.

That is how it seems to me at least.


A Win: Finding Out Sooner Rather Than Later


YES, right!!!

That is exactly the point, to enjoy the process, but get better and better at NOT wasting time, energy, and emotion on the wrong people.

So the question is:
What are the lessons learned this time around? What is there to be grateful for? What gifts did you offer each other during the time you spent together?

Start a Gratitude Lesson Book, where you write down all of the lessons and gifts that each new interaction with dating partners offers you.

No matter how negative it seems, flip it to it’s positive and express your gratitude for the opportunity to learn it.

By writing it down and reviewing it, you will avoid having to learn it again- hopefully!!!!

And remember, no dating interaction is too small to score an entry. One call, an email, a date. If you had an emotional reaction to it, include it in your book.

So, actually, this is all a WIN for you- onward and upward!

To Our Readers: What was your latest lesson or gift?

Please comment.

Another One Bites the Dust, From Lisa

Well, I emailed Barry and asked him to clarify his comment about not wanting to live with a woman again, noting that I really was looking to get married again when the right man comes along.

He wrote back a lovely email saying that we did have different goals and wished me luck.

So, at least I now know about THIS one.

I doubt the outcome would have been any different if I had handled it differently.

I know that in the past it has often taken me 3-6 months to find out that the guy does not want the same things from relationship that I want!!

So I would say that figuring it out in only two dates is a pretty nice improvement.



Mismatched Future Vision? A Deal Breaker!

I’m glad you had a good time and are having fun with the dating- that's what's important!

Your question: When guys say those things, I very much believe them.

That is not the time to think you can change someone!

Very occasionally someone will change their mind, but it is unlikely in someone who is past his 20’s. He’s been around the block enough times to know!

So you are right- ignoring it wouldn’t be smart!

And just deleting him may be premature.

I would do JUST as you said- let him make the next step- if he chooses to- then address it on the next date or phone call, whichever you are comfortable with.

It would be a mistake to allow yourself to enjoy him too much or get emotionally invested in him if he doesn't want to end up in the same place as you.

Mismatched visions for the future are a definite deal breaker!

So I'd clarify it with him soon! And you can do that by talking about what your vision of the future is and asking for his comments.

To our readers: I’d be curious to know, have you ever *successfully* changed a man or woman’s mind about the level of commitment they wanted for the long term? Please comment.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Same Vision of the Future?, From Lisa

It is only 9pm and I am already home from a 2nd date with Barry. We had a wonderful dinner with plenty of nice conversation.

It felt nice to be with him and I like his calm demeanor and the ways he thinks.....and it was a good balance of questions and answers.

One thing that just came up in conversation is that he would never want to be married again, or live together, which is obviously my goal.

Since we were about to leave, I didn't question that further.......nor did I know HOW to question it further.

On the way home I was wondering if, because of that comment.........Do I
A) stay and hope I can convince him to change his mind someday (if all else works out and we become "attached"
B) ask him more about it soon or
C) politely tell him that we are not looking for the same things from relationship, so it won't work for me, and DELETE him??

I decided I would wait to see if he makes the first move to contact me this time, and soon bring it up to discuss further.

I think he could be a very decent guy and that he just had a couple of bad relationships in his life.

I get the feeling that he MIGHT be available for a deep meaningful relationship.......but he sure did seem pretty sure about never wanting that much compromise in his life again.

Your feedback on how to handle the early talk about whether a guy would ever live with or marry a woman would be helpful, please!


The Key to Juggling Multiple Dates


Good question!

I call dating more than one person JUGGLING.

And juggle you must if you want to find your soulmate.

Because people disappear all the time while dating, so if you are getting to know more than one person at a time, it won’t be a big deal.

Dating is in part, a numbers game.

Plus, it helps you go slow and not get overly attached to any one person too soon.

It’s simply the most efficient and effective way to find your soulmate.

So partly, you handle it by realizing that you’re doing what is best for you and that your date is most likely doing it TOO!

AND, be honest about your dating style, from the beginning, to avoid any awkwardness later on.

Just drop a little something into an early conversation like,

"I'm looking forward to getting to know you. And just in case you’re
wondering, I’m getting to know a couple of people right now, because I'm really looking for the right person for me. But when the right person comes along, I’m ready to focus on them."

Date with integrity by being clear with your intentions.

If everyone was equally honest, imagine how much more enjoyable dating would be!

What About More than One Guy?, From Lisa

I am about to shower and dress to go have my second date with Barry. It feels rather odd to be interested in two guys at once.

Barry hasn't really written much since our first meeting ten days ago, and since then I have been writing more to Derrick.

How do I deal with these strange feelings that I am "dating" more than one guy at a time?
What can I tell myself to make it feel "okay."

I KNOW that it is, since I am not sleeping with either......and don't plan to for quite some time, and tonight doesn't feel so odd.

But I think if I were to get up to the fourth and fifth date....with each...that then I may have some real trouble with it, like it won't feel like I am being honest with each.

How do I deal with THAT? (or maybe by then a choice would be clear??)


The Current Dating Landscape, by Lisa

Before we go further, I ought to tell you what my dating life looks like right now.

I have profiles on three different online dating sites...and they seem to keep me busy with dates.

The problem seems to be turning any of these dates into an actual relationship!

Currently, I'm exchanging emails with about four different guys. And recently, I’ve just met two others for a first date.

That’s it for now, but it’s always changing!


You are welcome!

Just so you know, your reaction is totally normal. People find it overwhelming, emotional, even somewhat upsetting because they are reviewing things they had hoped they left in the past.

But ultimatly, they find it a relief because now they have a more complete understanding and a sense of direction and purpose. So you're right on track!!

Let's paint together (what a lovely metaphor of yours), you don't have to go it alone!

Power on, an amazing man awaits you!

Dr. Jenn

Insights From My Relationship Readiness Inventory- From Lisa

Man, that was draining! We talked for more than 2 hours!

But I think I learned more about myself today than I ever knew.

So much makes so much more sense. I need a couple of days to absorb and process the info from today. It was pretty heavy.

And I find myself close to tears at times........but mostly happy tears, knowing that there IS something more to love, and to being in love than I have ever known or experienced.

The Inventory feedback made me realize how my childhood played a role in the ways that I relate to men.

I learned that I tend to run off and be by myself when things start to go bad, instead of staying to "face the music." It also helped me to see the ways that I might have contributed to causing the relationship to suffer instead of doing things that might instead bring us closer.

I grew up in a family of eight children and my parents never seemed to have the time for each of us that was needed, especially at critical times during my developing stages.

And therefore I tend to seek out guys who I subconsciously think will give me what my parents did not. But they don’t!

Instead I can learn to give that love to myself, and thus be open to receiving a more wholesome and healthy relationship with a guy.

I know that I am strong enough to open up to a beautiful connection. And thus attract it to me as well. I am ready to paint this picture.........and bring it to life.



From the Beginning

When I start coaching with someone, I almost always begin with something I call the Relationship Readiness Inventory. It's a questionnaire you fill out that goes over your childhood and relationship experiences.

From that, we can usually determine 5 or more primary growth areas - or areas to tend to as you move forward with dating. They are the relationship habits that aren't working any more that we replace with new ways of being that will attract your soulmate.

"ARRGGHHH! But NOT my childhood!"

I sometimes hear that, but we start at your beginning because your early family experiences create your relationship map- the way you tend to habitually interact with yourself, others, and the world. And from those childhood experiences, can usually discover the origins of the patterns that are holding you back.

When you know where something came from, and see how it's played out all your life, it becomes more easy to recognize, and then change.

It opens the door to hope.

Plus things start to make a heck of a lot more sense: "OH, THAT's why I do THAT!"

So, let's see what Lisa and I learned when we delved back into her past for a little bit...

What the Heck is Dating Coaching, Anyway!?

Good question!

The whole point of dating coaching is to identify the patterns that keep you from creating the love you deserve, so you can break those habits. And adopt new, positive attitudes and behaviors that lead to attracting your ideal partner.

By making better choices over time, you create the space for a wonderful partner to arrive.

It's all about giving you the personal insight into how you work, the knowledge about how great relationships are built, and the skills needed to make it all come together into a love that lasts.

When you've been dating a while and nothing is working, it's easy to get frustrated, disappointed, and even bitter. But rather than give up, a smart single will seek out help.

That's where I come in, with an objective viewpoint, honest feedback, and positive motivation, I help keep you on track toward your goal, finding real love. The kind of love that makes your heart sing and that lasts a lifetime.

I'm excited to be working with Lisa because she has all of the qualities of a great coaching client. She's eager to find a great man, she's in touch with her thoughts and feelings, she's open to feedback, and she's willing to give new things a try.

With all that on board, it's only a matter of time until a wonderful man enters her life.

So, let's get started!