Lisa,
Awesome, huh!?
Not that I advocate playing games, but holding back just a little, tinsy-tiny bit can have positive effect on a guy. It gives him the space to pursue you.
Which is evolutionarily wired into his man brain. Been that way for eons. No point in trying to work against that, eh?
Work with it, and let him come to you….with flowers AND chocolate!
And what to do next??
You are right on, here.
It’s SO easy once it starts to look like it’s going well, to pounce on the situation and get over-eager.
But, that’s a BIG mistake!
Because if you start pursuing a man, his hard wired instincts will make him turn around and run.
Think about it, if a tiger turns his attention on him, what’s a man to do? RUN!
But if the tiger is not paying much attention to him, and the man is hungry, what’ll he do? Creep up on the tiger, and have him for dinner (think lots of sweet nibbling).
Ok, maybe that’s a weird analogy, but you know what I mean!
So, even when the tide is turning with a new love interest and it seems like it’s heading in the right direction, keep your attention on your own life (not obsessively on him), and on being happy.
That’s when your easy going, glowing, centered, joie de vivre, will have him coming back for more, and more!
Readers: Please share- when has a little holding back helped or harmed a developing attraction?
Monday, October 27, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Why is it Surprising When a Date Actually Goes Well!??
Had my third date yesterday with the architect. It was super nice.
He too claims to have had a VERY wonderful day yesterday.
He just called to say good night and to say he was thinking about me all day.
I am still listening to your advice about following his lead.
And it sure does seem to be working to keep him moving in my direction!
I have been dating for a long time, and this is the first time that a man brought me BOTH flowers AND chocolates on a third date!!
It actually surprised me and I had to shake my head several times and tell myself that he IS interested and not just being polite!
Even his kiss on the bridge took me totally by surprise.
I guess I have just gone through the motions of getting ready for a date so many many times only to have them turn out bad that I could hardly believe that this one could be so good.
NOW WHAT???
I guess just more of the same...stay busy with my regular life, yet be ready to tune in when love or attention comes my way, right?
He too claims to have had a VERY wonderful day yesterday.
He just called to say good night and to say he was thinking about me all day.
I am still listening to your advice about following his lead.
And it sure does seem to be working to keep him moving in my direction!
I have been dating for a long time, and this is the first time that a man brought me BOTH flowers AND chocolates on a third date!!
It actually surprised me and I had to shake my head several times and tell myself that he IS interested and not just being polite!
Even his kiss on the bridge took me totally by surprise.
I guess I have just gone through the motions of getting ready for a date so many many times only to have them turn out bad that I could hardly believe that this one could be so good.
NOW WHAT???
I guess just more of the same...stay busy with my regular life, yet be ready to tune in when love or attention comes my way, right?
Friday, October 24, 2008
Signs Someone is Emotionally Available
Last time I promised you that I'd show you how you can assess whether your new date is really emotionally available- because if you haven't got that- you haven't got anything.
First things first... what all this “emotional availability” stuff boils down to is this:
How much closeness do you prefer in a relationship?
I call it Comfort with Closeness.
Some people actually like to be like ships passing in the night, others want to be joined at the hip.
It doesn’t matter which you are, but here’s the straight talk.
You absolutely HAVE TO find someone who is a good match on this continuum from distant to close.
This isn’t a negotiable.
Otherwise you get the whole: “You pursue them, They distance from you” cycle which has been written about so much I could up my entire library on the subject.
Bottom line: When it’s a mismatch, it sucks. Hard. Painfully so.
And don’t think you’ll change this about someone.
Oh, no, no, no!
This puppy rarely budges because it’s a personality characteristic that you developed from the time you were a wee one, by modeling what happened at home.
So get this right, and get it right from the start. There’s no use wasting previous time, effort, and emotion on someone whose idea of what closeness should look like isn’t the same as yours.
How To Tell?
Ok, on to how to judge this about someone.
This Comfort with Closeness thing has 5 dimensions and you can start picking up on them right from the first date.
Below are the 5 areas and some ways to judge them, in yourself and others.
1. Mental Space- This is how much you think about your partner
- Are they preoccupied with you? Obsessed by thoughts of you? Constantly fantasizing about you?
- They say, “Oh I wanted to remember to tell you about…”
- They say, “Oh I saw something that reminded me of you today”
- They say, “Oh, I knew you would like this thing I saw, heard, etc”
- They email you articles or links they think you would like.
- You think about them every few minutes.
- They mention things in the future you might do together.
- The remember things you’ve told them, and ask about them later.
2. Time – How much time you want to spend together
- They always make time to see you, even if they are busy.
- They want to spend almost every weekend night together.
- They are happy to be together even if you can’t focus on each other (you’ve got work to do).
- They want to spend all weekend with you.
- They call, email, or text all the time.
3. Affection- How much verbal and physical affection you prefer
- They often give you compliments
- They touch you frequently
- They are quick to give a hug
- They love to cuddle
- They easily or often say they like, love, adore you
- They make you feel appreciated by actions and words
- You have sweet nicknames for each other
- You like to hold hands or have other PDA’s out in public
- You get lots of kisses
- They offer verbal support and encouragement
4. Independence- How much you like to keep your life separate, or how much space you need.
(Here the examples are more on the distant side)
- They often need space.
- They prefer to keep their friends separate.
- They like to do their hobbies without you.
- It’s hard to get to know them- you feel a wall.
- They hold back on personal information.
- They aren’t eager to introduce you to friends or family.
- They need plenty of alone time.
5. Teamwork- how much of a “we” you prefer to be
- They often say “we”
- You feel like a team
- You make decision together, they ask for your input on choices to be made
- You are more interdependent than dependent or independent
- You turn to your partner to share your day first
- You ask for your partner’s opinions and input on issues and concerns
- You feel like you can face the world together
- You feel like you belong to each other
- You turn to your partner for support and sharing feelings.
- You share money and expenses.
Start paying attention to all of these factors and you’ll get a good sense of how emotionally available someone is.
Get to know what your preferences are first, then compare that to your new dates. Again, give it some time to ramp up over a month or two.
When you sense a mismatch, collect more information over time, and make a decision- don’t let it sit and fester until you become immobilized and can’t walk away.
If I could pick the most important compatibility factor, this is it!
So it pays to be on alert.
What signs do you use to gauge someone’s emotional availability?
Please share.
First things first... what all this “emotional availability” stuff boils down to is this:
How much closeness do you prefer in a relationship?
I call it Comfort with Closeness.
Some people actually like to be like ships passing in the night, others want to be joined at the hip.
It doesn’t matter which you are, but here’s the straight talk.
You absolutely HAVE TO find someone who is a good match on this continuum from distant to close.
This isn’t a negotiable.
Otherwise you get the whole: “You pursue them, They distance from you” cycle which has been written about so much I could up my entire library on the subject.
Bottom line: When it’s a mismatch, it sucks. Hard. Painfully so.
And don’t think you’ll change this about someone.
Oh, no, no, no!
This puppy rarely budges because it’s a personality characteristic that you developed from the time you were a wee one, by modeling what happened at home.
So get this right, and get it right from the start. There’s no use wasting previous time, effort, and emotion on someone whose idea of what closeness should look like isn’t the same as yours.
How To Tell?
Ok, on to how to judge this about someone.
This Comfort with Closeness thing has 5 dimensions and you can start picking up on them right from the first date.
Below are the 5 areas and some ways to judge them, in yourself and others.
1. Mental Space- This is how much you think about your partner
- Are they preoccupied with you? Obsessed by thoughts of you? Constantly fantasizing about you?
- They say, “Oh I wanted to remember to tell you about…”
- They say, “Oh I saw something that reminded me of you today”
- They say, “Oh, I knew you would like this thing I saw, heard, etc”
- They email you articles or links they think you would like.
- You think about them every few minutes.
- They mention things in the future you might do together.
- The remember things you’ve told them, and ask about them later.
2. Time – How much time you want to spend together
- They always make time to see you, even if they are busy.
- They want to spend almost every weekend night together.
- They are happy to be together even if you can’t focus on each other (you’ve got work to do).
- They want to spend all weekend with you.
- They call, email, or text all the time.
3. Affection- How much verbal and physical affection you prefer
- They often give you compliments
- They touch you frequently
- They are quick to give a hug
- They love to cuddle
- They easily or often say they like, love, adore you
- They make you feel appreciated by actions and words
- You have sweet nicknames for each other
- You like to hold hands or have other PDA’s out in public
- You get lots of kisses
- They offer verbal support and encouragement
4. Independence- How much you like to keep your life separate, or how much space you need.
(Here the examples are more on the distant side)
- They often need space.
- They prefer to keep their friends separate.
- They like to do their hobbies without you.
- It’s hard to get to know them- you feel a wall.
- They hold back on personal information.
- They aren’t eager to introduce you to friends or family.
- They need plenty of alone time.
5. Teamwork- how much of a “we” you prefer to be
- They often say “we”
- You feel like a team
- You make decision together, they ask for your input on choices to be made
- You are more interdependent than dependent or independent
- You turn to your partner to share your day first
- You ask for your partner’s opinions and input on issues and concerns
- You feel like you can face the world together
- You feel like you belong to each other
- You turn to your partner for support and sharing feelings.
- You share money and expenses.
Start paying attention to all of these factors and you’ll get a good sense of how emotionally available someone is.
Get to know what your preferences are first, then compare that to your new dates. Again, give it some time to ramp up over a month or two.
When you sense a mismatch, collect more information over time, and make a decision- don’t let it sit and fester until you become immobilized and can’t walk away.
If I could pick the most important compatibility factor, this is it!
So it pays to be on alert.
What signs do you use to gauge someone’s emotional availability?
Please share.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Emotional Availability: The MOST Important Factor
Lisa,
These are all great questions.
And let me tell you, you’ve hit the nail on the head!
Is it important to find a guy who is emotionally available?
HELL YES!
It’s by far the most important factor when picking a mate.
Have you ever heard a woman complain: “Man, my husband is just so emotionally available. He’s so open and supportive, warm and thoughtful. I can’t stand it!”
Ummm, no.
But therapists get rich (ok, maybe not rich) by seeing scores of couples where the woman complains that her guy is always in his man cave, unavailable to talk, to be close, to touch.
So, emotional availability is one of the first factors you need to assess.
To answer your question, it’s normal to take a while for people to warm up in a new dating relationships. I’d give it 1-2 months to get a better read on someone’s true availability.
If your idea of emotional availability doesn’t match theirs by month 3? Outta there. It ain’t gonna change.
And as to your other question about whether more accomplished career guys seem to be less emotionally available?
Well, there are plenty of really successful guys who are also emotionally available.
But, let’s be honest…many guys who have been single forever, and have focused a ton on their careers, are well, just a tad bit distant. Just think of the time alone- success usually means much less personal time.
They’ve chosen a priority and love wasn’t it.
So, even if they really want to be present, they haven’t had much practice and those habits can be hard to break.
Stay tuned. More next time on how to assess a person’s emotional availability!
Well, readers what’s your take on Lisa’s questions here? Would love to hear!
These are all great questions.
And let me tell you, you’ve hit the nail on the head!
Is it important to find a guy who is emotionally available?
HELL YES!
It’s by far the most important factor when picking a mate.
Have you ever heard a woman complain: “Man, my husband is just so emotionally available. He’s so open and supportive, warm and thoughtful. I can’t stand it!”
Ummm, no.
But therapists get rich (ok, maybe not rich) by seeing scores of couples where the woman complains that her guy is always in his man cave, unavailable to talk, to be close, to touch.
So, emotional availability is one of the first factors you need to assess.
To answer your question, it’s normal to take a while for people to warm up in a new dating relationships. I’d give it 1-2 months to get a better read on someone’s true availability.
If your idea of emotional availability doesn’t match theirs by month 3? Outta there. It ain’t gonna change.
And as to your other question about whether more accomplished career guys seem to be less emotionally available?
Well, there are plenty of really successful guys who are also emotionally available.
But, let’s be honest…many guys who have been single forever, and have focused a ton on their careers, are well, just a tad bit distant. Just think of the time alone- success usually means much less personal time.
They’ve chosen a priority and love wasn’t it.
So, even if they really want to be present, they haven’t had much practice and those habits can be hard to break.
Stay tuned. More next time on how to assess a person’s emotional availability!
Well, readers what’s your take on Lisa’s questions here? Would love to hear!
How to Tell if He's Emotionally Available?
As I meet men I am finding that it seems that the more accomplished a man in in his career, the less emotionally available he seems to be.
Have you heard this before, and can you speak to it?
Is it important to find a guy who is emotionally available........or does that usually take a good deal of time to happen, and how much time?
I was in a long marriage where the guy was NOT emotionally available......and I don't want THAT to happen again.
How long does a woman have to wait to see if a guy will be able to open up?
Have you heard this before, and can you speak to it?
Is it important to find a guy who is emotionally available........or does that usually take a good deal of time to happen, and how much time?
I was in a long marriage where the guy was NOT emotionally available......and I don't want THAT to happen again.
How long does a woman have to wait to see if a guy will be able to open up?
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Are You Choosing Self Preservation or Self Growth???
Lisa,
Man, that sounds depressing!
What exactly brought that on?
I mean, I guess you are right...hardly anyone makes a decision that they think will end in self destruction.
Umm, well, wait a minute...I can think of many singles who make lots of decisions that are not in their best interest! At least not logically!
But anyway, the way you put it sounds so depressing. Maybe we could say that people are always looking out for number one, but to improve their lives, to grow, to change, because they hold a vision of tomorrow that is better than today.
At least that's what I hope for!
But, yes, many people do get stuck in "preservation" mode, instead of "growth" mode.
And that's the kiss of death when trying to find the perfect partner.
You've got to break out of old molds, discard old patterns, and embrace new ways of being in the world and in relationships.
Only then can the story finally have a happy ending!
Readers: What do you think- are the people you meet stuck in self preservation or are they flowing in self-growth???
Please share!
Man, that sounds depressing!
What exactly brought that on?
I mean, I guess you are right...hardly anyone makes a decision that they think will end in self destruction.
Umm, well, wait a minute...I can think of many singles who make lots of decisions that are not in their best interest! At least not logically!
But anyway, the way you put it sounds so depressing. Maybe we could say that people are always looking out for number one, but to improve their lives, to grow, to change, because they hold a vision of tomorrow that is better than today.
At least that's what I hope for!
But, yes, many people do get stuck in "preservation" mode, instead of "growth" mode.
And that's the kiss of death when trying to find the perfect partner.
You've got to break out of old molds, discard old patterns, and embrace new ways of being in the world and in relationships.
Only then can the story finally have a happy ending!
Readers: What do you think- are the people you meet stuck in self preservation or are they flowing in self-growth???
Please share!
Self Preservation?
As I see it....people ultimately make decisions in life based on one thing..
And that is....self preservation....and what they think is best for them (and perhaps their loved ones too) at the time or for the future.
And I think that this is the case whether they feel they are needing reduced stress, more money, more excitement, a purpose in life, or whatever.
Anyway....that's my insight of the day!
Lisa
And that is....self preservation....and what they think is best for them (and perhaps their loved ones too) at the time or for the future.
And I think that this is the case whether they feel they are needing reduced stress, more money, more excitement, a purpose in life, or whatever.
Anyway....that's my insight of the day!
Lisa
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