Single Seeking Soulmate

The Scariest Dating Mistake You are STILL Making!

2010-07-28T14:25:00.000-07:00

What's the biggest mistake almost all singles make? They go too fast, and end up with a broken heart within 3 months! Discover ways to slow down so you can create a real connection that lasts!

Readers: What's the worst heart break you've gotten from going too fast? Please share!

Bust Out of Your Dating Rut!

2010-06-03T09:53:00.000-07:00

Break down fear and widen your circle of dating influence with these 2 simple tricks to create magnetic attraction!

Readers: How have you busted out of your own dating rut? Please share!

The BEST Way to Approach an Attractive Stranger!

2010-05-11T18:31:00.000-07:00

Itching to meet that cutie over there? This is the only line of introduction you'll ever need for authentic connection!

Are you a Poofer?! How to Easily End a Dating Encounter

2010-05-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

Are you making one of the rudest dating mistakes? Find out now!

And learn how to gracefully end any dating relationship with the GoodBye Sandwich!

Join me in improving the Integrity of the Dating World, one heart at a time!

Connect from the Heart: 3 Characteristics of Authentic Dating

2010-05-01T14:41:00.000-07:00

Exciting Change to Our Format: Video Blog!

2010-05-01T13:44:00.000-07:00

Wow! It's been almost a year since we've chatted!

Our courageous, intrepid single in the trenches had some medical concerns so we took a hiatus.

The good news is that she's back to dating, found a real sweetie, and having a blast!

So, we're going to take this opportunity to do something I've had on my mind for quite some time: A Video Blog!

Right here, I'm going to be delivering to you, my savvy singles, Authentic Dating tips designed to help you connect from the heart so you can build a love that lasts!

All in under 5 minutes or less!

So tighten your seatbelt- we're going on the most important journey of all- the one to True Love!

And while we're at it, head on over to our newly launched site mysoulmatesolution.com, to take my Attractor Factor Quiz and find out just how long it's going to be until YOU attract the love you've been waiting for!

After your quiz, stop back by here and let us know how long it's going to be for you-and what you are going to do to FAST FORWARD to your vision of love!

Are You Missing the Single Most Magical Key to Attracting Love?

2009-05-18T12:25:00.000-07:00

Dr. Jenn,

I am strongly feeling a need to be doing creative things. So, for the next 30 days I’m doing a journal writing down all the things I love about myself.

Hopefully, they will be integrated as part of me and mirrored by the new man in my life. I like that idea and I can do it!!!

If I can love all of these things about myself then they will be right out there, for a man to love too. Right?

Lisa

************

Hey Lisa!

THAT is a FANTASTIC idea!

Attracting your soulmate is all about stepping into your Best Self which attracts your Perfect Partner- the partner that is the best possible complement for you!

The easiest way to step into your Best Self is to love yourself and a wonderful way to do that is to consciously honor all of the amazing things about yourself- daily!

As you are consciously aware of the things that make you remarkable- you are stepping into those parts of yourself more fully, embodying them with more truth.

The result?

You are shining the light of those qualities more strongly out into the world- making you glow brighter, with the charm of authentic charisma- like a giant Soulmate Magnet, of course!

People around you will FEEL the difference and be drawn to it magnetically, without even knowing why!

The effect of this is that the men who are drawn in will be the ones who naturally, easily, effortlessly appreciate Who You Really Are! How wonderful is that?!

Plus, since you are shining the light of pure goodness, strength, and beauty- you will attract a man who also stands in his strength- one who is happy, healthy, and emotionally available to create a lasting love.

So, the bottom line is:
If someone wanted to focus on only one thing to attract their soulmate, it would be this one thing you are doing! Focusing on why you are so very awesome right to the core!

That is the magical place that allows soulmate love to be drawn into your life!

I’m excited for you. Let me know how it goes! And how it feels!

Dr. Jenn

Weeding Out Men: The Thoughtfulness Quotient

2009-04-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

Dr. Jenn,

About two months ago I was talking to about seven guys, and this includes emailing and phone conversations. Since then I have met three of those guys and Rick is the guy at the top of the list.

Rick already had several bonus points for calling to check up on me both before and after I was going in for surgery two weeks ago, and he apparently really cared and wanted to know how I was doing. I was quite touched by this.

Two other guys I was talking to around that time- who also knew about my pending surgery- did not even ask about it, but rather just talked about THEIR stuff, including distant relatives.

I was facing some potentially scary news, and I really appreciated Rick's concern and thoughtfulness, even though we had not met in person. Rick has a WONDERFUL sense of humor and we always find great things to talk about and funny stories to tell, and our conversations seem very balanced.

We finally met on Friday night! It was warm and friendly and we plan to see each other again soon.

I like that Rick's kids are both married and on their own and doing well, like mine. And I also like that he has a great little dog and that he relates well to dogs. And I LOVE his sense of humor, and his obvious caring personality.

Yep, this one has potential!! I’ll keep you in the loop!

Lisa
*********************

Hi Lisa!

While having the surgery was no walk in the park- it certainly gave you the opportunity to see how the men would behave when you could use some support! Bonus!

Sounds like Rick passed with flying colors!

It’s never too early to treat each other with thoughtful kindness, empathy, and respect. I call this the Thoughtfulness Quotient- and you can usually feel this right away with a person!

And when you get Rick’s kind of treatment, right out of the gate- BEFORE even meeting, well that tells you volumes about the kind of person he is, doesn’t it?!

The fact that the others basically ignored it in a somewhat selfish manner- also reflects what they would probably be like to be around later on. Rightly so- those are BIG RED FLAGS.

And these are the kind of things you really want to see about a person early on- it can save you lots of heartache!

But when someone makes you feel seen, heard, and cared about- even at the beginning- you know you are on the right track!

I look forward to hearing more about Rick!

Dr. Jenn

Organize Your Online Dating World?: A Filing-Rating System That Works!

2009-04-21T19:26:00.000-07:00

Dr. Jenn,

I have been continuing to stay in touch with several men at one time, and I wanted to share with you my new filing-rating system!

I’ve devised a way to list them in my email files, with a rating of sorts, so I can keep in mind where my feelings about each of them stand, in terms of potential.

So, I keep an email folder for each one, and when I title the folders, if I put an AA in front of their name, they are among those at the top of the list!

After a few questionable yellow flag issues (such as hogging 80% of a phone conversation) I may remove one of the A's, and they move to the A category, and from there perhaps to the B category. This helps me to remember where each is.

After meeting them each in person, they often either move to the AA category, or completely off the list if the meeting does not feel right. Those in the B category are guys I can't really see myself with, but for some reason I stay in distant touch with them.

Seems to be helping me keep thing straight! What do you think?!

Lisa

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Wow, Lisa, I like your ingenuity!!

I have to admit that back when I was juggling, I would often forget Who I told What!! It could get a little awkward!

So, I like your idea of being organized so you can keep track of how interested you are in people!

When internet dating, you can have so many balls up in the air, all at different stages, that it can feel a bit overwhelming! So anything you can do to make it more simple, is great!!

I also love that you update the rating when you notice Red Flags! That is so awesome! Because you have the rating system, it keeps you noticing them even more perhaps- so you don’t ignore them!!

That’s a mistake so many people make in the early stages of dating! Plus- it helps you stay conscious about making the best decisions for YOU, every step of the way, instead of just sliding along!

And in addition to what you suggest, I always suggest that people have a totally separate email account that they use only for online dating- makes things much easier to follow! And, folks, please don't use your real name as your login for that account- instead go with something that matches your online profile's handle or tag line! Clever, safe, and easy for folks to remember who they are talking to as well!

So, onward & upward with clarity in your mind and warmth in your heart!!

Dr. Jenn

Readers: What do you think of Lisa's system? What helps you keep track of your online dating life? Please share!

Unclogging Your Love Life

2009-03-30T17:59:00.000-07:00

Hi Dr. Jenn,

Okay, I have re-focused, and have let go of the guys that didn't match my dream.

And, guess what?! A whole BUNCH of new ones have shown up. I think I get it!

When you are juggling and one ball drops, I don't try to find THAT ball again, but grab another that has been tossed in my direction, and keep right on juggling, until ONE ball shows up that is just too good to be true, and he feels the same about me.

Right?

I am SOOOOOO excited!!!!

Lisa

************************

Lisa!

By golly, I think you are brilliant!

YES- That’s exactly it!

I love the metaphor- you just keep juggling new and interesting balls until the right ball is in your hands- drop all balls that don’t feel right, and enjoy the playful juggling!

Sounds like a recipe for fun and success!

It also illustrates last post's principle perfectly- that when you let go of all who do not fit- it allows room for more wonderful opportunities to show up!!

So many people clog up their life dating folks who are almost right, or Mr. Right Now.

Important Principle: As long as you are clogged your soulmate is delayed.

You just keep playing, shining Who You Really Are, connect authentically with everyone you meet, take leave genuinely and gently when the time is right, and learn the gifts of all of your lessons on this delightful journey.

Until, HE shows up.

In delightful service of love,
Dr. Jenn

Readers: How has unclogging your love life resulted in better flow of love into your life? Please share.

What to Do When What You DON'T Want Keeps Showing Up!

2009-03-20T14:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Jenn,

Help!!! I feel like I am in a juggling rut.

Rather than juggling with good potential guys, if feels like I am looking for the one with the least flaws, and something seems wrong about this.

I am more confused than ever about men and dating.

I have about 7 guys who are interested, so there is no real shortage I guess, just lots of confusion on my part, in that none of them seem to be right enough, for all sorts of different reason.

I absolutely LOVE the communications I share with one guy, but he’s halfway across the country! We have a lot in common in creating things, and the way we see life, and I absolutely love his emails.

What to do, what to do. Just continue I guess, until one feels very, very right. Right?

Lisa
*************

Lisa-

I’d like to ask you: What is it that’s making you more confused than ever?

You know What You Want- and what is right in front of you isn’t What You Want, right?

But, having what you Don’t Want in front of you, makes it even clearer- What You Do Want!!

That is it’s gift! More clarity!

Where you are at right now- is where people tend to get supremely frustrated and give up.

They think: “I’m trying this Law of Attraction thing, I’m trying to focus on What I Want- and still what I Don’t Want keeps showing up!”

And they start to think this whole Law of Attraction thing- Like Attracting Like- simply doesn’t work.

And, that’s where the confusion comes in.

Because a lot of folks who have learned about the Law of Attraction, have NOT learned about it’s best friend, the Law of Opposites.

The two always work in Tandem.

The Law of Opposites says once you get very clear on What You Want- all of it’s opposites will show up.

Yes, that’s right- when you clearly call in What You Want- the first thing that will happen is more of What You Don’t Want will arrive in your life!!!

WHY?

Stay with me here, because this is very important.

If you already were, right now, in total harmony with What You Want- it WOULD be in your life, NOW.

So, to get to where your vibration IS in full alignment with your Desire- what would have to happen?

Everything that was NOT in proper vibration would have to be brought up, so you could look at it, heal it, and release it.

This process would be the gift that offers you the opportunity to get into fuller alignment with your desire- Love.

That’s why Everything You Don’t Want shows up- so you can clear and release the patterns that no longer serve you.

And honestly, that can take some time, since most of us need time to truly let go and develop a new, more positive habit.

I love the way Neale Donald Walsch talks about this in his book Happier than God- he says that people have it backwards. They get all depressed and angry when What They Don’t Want shows up. Because they think it means they aren’t getting closer to What They Want. And then they go and ruin their positive vibration by focusing on all that is “Wrong”.

But the opposite is true! He states that when everything opposite shows up it's actually a great sign that What You Want is just around the corner!

But, only IF you stay SUPER CLEAR on What You Want- rather than get distracted by everything around you that You Don’t Want.

Make sense?

So right now, you are simply being called to remain steadfast and clear- and about What You Do Want.

There is no need for confusion or worry- It’s simply an invitation to stay absolutely crystal clear about what you DO WANT! That is all that is needed right now!

Just keep Holding the Vision and every day, many times a day if necessary, Refocus on What You WANT!

You are right, don't bother with the men who don't feel right.

Just take a pass on them. Once you know it isn’t a good fit- you don’t have to juggle them- just keep moving on.

Kinda like this.

- David shows up who has sleep apnea and you aren’t attracted to him.
“Thank you Universe for sending me David- to highlight what I do what. Here’s what I do want: A healthy guy I am wonderfully attracted to.” Spend a moment feeling the happiness of THAT guy in your life.

- Terry shows up who is horribly messy and very overweight.
“Thank you Universe for sending me Terry. Here’s what I do want: An organized guy who’s committed to doing whatever it takes to remain happy and healthy so we can grow old together.” Spend a moment feeling the happiness of THAT guy in your life.

- Chuck shows up who seems VERY complicated and very serious about life, and very perfectionist.
“Thank you Universe for sending me Chuck. Here’s what I do want: A guy who’s easy going and we share comfortable, fun-loving laughter together.” Spend a moment feeling the happiness of THAT guy in your life.

The idea is to take what the situation has shown to you is What You Don’t Want- and use it to immediately reaffirm What You Do Want!

Spend no more time on focusing on what isn’t right. Let it go and keep your attention on Your Gorgeous Vision of Love.

The key is to stay positively patient, yet proactive at the same time. I know you can do it!

Readers: How has the arrival of What You Don't Want actually helped you achieve what You Do Want?? Please share!

When the Going gets Old: Embrace Curiosity

2009-03-03T13:46:00.000-08:00

Hi Dr. Jenn,

Well, back to juggling. I have been talking to several (8-10) men of all sorts, but only one's with grown kids and who I have a good gut feeling about.

There are only about three near here (within 20 miles) that seem most interesting.

One is of GREAT interest, but of course he lives the furthest away, all the way in Massachusetts!!

I love his lifestyle and the way he writes, and we have many common interests, and they are the interests that are the most important to me. He seems VERY available, if we only lived closer to one another. The distance seems like too big a hurdle, but you never know I guess.

For now, will continue to get to know the closer ones too, and meet them one at a time. So, just reporting that the juggling is going quite well. About where it needs to be for now.

Sure am tired though, of starting over and over.

Am doing the EFT tapping every day (from the recent Meditation Monday), and listening to the Brain Sync CDs, and also seeking deeper truths within me as to staying open, and aware of what feels right.

Also clearing out some old stuff that could be blocking the relationship depth I desire, and staying clear to what it is I REALLY seek and want, so as not to be taken for a ride by other things.

In a way, it is like turning over the process to some higher power, and just focusing on gratitude and love of what is. And I am very grateful for being able to share this with you!!

So, this is where I am today.

Lisa
****************

Lisa!

Glad to hear that you are back to juggling.

I KNOW it can feel daunting, this up and down, back and forth of dating. It’s easy to wish that was over and you were living your happily ever after- already!

So, do try to keep going back to viewing dating as an amazing journey, a process of self-discovery and growth- by embracing wonder & curiosity: Who is coming into my life next and what will the gifts and lessons be?!

Because it is through this journey, and the lesson learning that you are being prepared to meet your soulmate.

It cannot happen before you BOTH have been prepared and stand, ready & able.

As in everything else in life, it’s about learning to love the traveling, not just the destination. Consider this: What would help you enjoy the traveling more? Everyone has their own answer.

Of course, you know this already, but one way to do that is to keep the focus on the gratitude for the lessons and gifts, daily even, in your gratitude journal. Writing it down helps you keep your intention on the positive nature of your journey.

I do love that you have a sense of simply accepting and loving What IS, and turning it over to the Universe, with TRUST, KNOWING that you are right where you need to be and the process is unfolding as it should be. That is the place you want to keep standing!

And it’s super that you are making use of the tools that surround you, like the EFT Meditation and the Brain Sync CD’s. I encourage you to keep using them!

In fact, if you didn’t make it to the Pink Roses Meditation this week, I suggest listening to it- the imagery is simple, yet had a very heart opening effect for me. It’s an image you can play with whenever you need to. And it sends out that loving pink energy out into the world, to do what? Attract in your soulmate!

So, maintain that open space in your heart, and embrace curiosity and soon all sorts of wonderful things will be flowing your way!

With love and light,
Dr. Jenn

What Does Horse Shopping Have to Do with Dating? Everything!

2009-02-10T12:10:00.000-08:00

Dr. Jenn-

Well, a very interesting turn of events!

I received a very nice email from Danny (whom I broke it off with a couple of weeks ago, after a very promising start).

Apparently he went to a rather transformative relationship workshop, and he had some major ah-ha’s about how he behaved toward me. He was very sweet, took responsibility for his behavior, and apologized. He seemed like he really “got it.”

He expressed interest in remaining friends.

I was pretty impressed with his email and I’m a bit tempted to see him again. He seems to be going through a lot of growing. Anyway, I will consider his offer to go to dinner to talk.

Not sure yet. Especially since there are a couple of other interested and interesting guys who are free from the burden of teenagers.It's been an interesting weekend. I didn't go on any dates, but I have talked to a couple of new guys, and have written to many.

And I put up a profile on a new and free matchmaking site called plentyoffish.com. Some say it is more populated than Match.com. It is free to post profiles there. So, we will see what the next couple of weeks bring.

Lisa

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Lisa,

Wow- that is very interesting!

I agree that it sounds like Danny has been on a serious path of growing and seems very sincere about looking within and transforming his patterns.

That was something you noticed about him from the beginning.

It is always delightful to see evidence that people are capable of insight, change, and growth. And yet, you, as well as I, know that true change, deep change that lasts takes time. And there are often many ups and downs as we work to shift our patterns from old to new.

Since both of you had a strong sense that your partnership may have real potential, I agree that it may be worth venturing back into that space of friendship, with an open mind, to see where a growing connection could lead.

But doing that KNOWING that the path of change is bumpy. Sometimes we can support each other nicely through these transformations. The right partner truly can be a powerful catalyst for personal growth.

Yet sometimes, taking on someone in the midst of change is more than you really bargained for. The outcome is so much more precarious. You’re investing more in the potential of someone, than who that someone already is.

As such, it’s a more high-risk endeavor. So, it’s just good to acknowledge that from the start and enter into it with eyes wide open, and even wider channels of communication!

It reminds me of buying horses.

Often you have a choice- you can buy a young, untrained horse who seems to have potential. Then you hope with time, patient nurturing, and many hours of consistent training- that the horse will bloom into the reliable partner you can truly enjoy.

And IF it works- since you took the journey together, the sense of teamwork, friendship, and accomplishment is a real reward.

But often it doesn’t work- there were too many obstacles to your vision becoming a reality. Maybe the horse gets hurt, turns out to not have the necessary talent, or has personality characteristics that don’t blend well with yours.

Thus, taking on the horse who needs transformation is a high risk endeavor- but with the opportunity for a high payoff.

On the other hand, you could buy an older horse, who is more expensive, but who is also already trained to do what you want to do.

With this horse, he has proven he is capable of the job- that he has the skills, ability, and character to be successful. So, right away, you are able to get on and enjoy it from the start.

Of course, there are risks with any horse, but here, the risks are much more minor and success more easily attainable.

I don’t mean to trivialize love by comparing it to horse shopping (although I have noticed many more similarities in finding a man and searching for a horse!). But I hope you can see the parallel dynamics.

When you pick someone with a proven track record of being who you’d like them to be, the chances are higher of a happy ending, then when you pick someone who is only beginning to learn to be the type of person you need them to be.

Whether this type of risk is worth it to you, always depends on many factors!

But in this case, moving forward into an exploratory friendship certainly has it’s merits!

Just something to consider!

Dr. Jenn

Picking a Partner is like Finding the Perfect Shoe!

2009-02-08T11:28:00.000-08:00

Dr. Jenn,

Well, I emailed Terry and let him know how concerned I was about these few issues. Terry called to talk and ask about the nature of our relationship now.

I just feel in my heart that I would likely start to feel angry if I were dating a guy who claims to want to be healthier and have a cleaner house if he weren't doing anything about it. (I told him this in as nice a way as I could think of) .

I still believe that there MUST be a man out there who has done the things that he says are important to him.

These two items are not necessarily deal breakers, and I suppose I could learn to live with both issues, somehow, but with others out there who are interested in getting to know me, I really want to continue to juggle for a bit.

I am now talking to FOUR new and very interesting guys. I really don't think I am expecting perfection, but Terry was over the edge for me on those two things.

I know he was sad when I told him I was not ready to date him exclusively, and he is very busy with work for the next couple of months, so perhaps I need to think about it all more, and in the meantime check out a couple of other guys.

New ones are Kent, Bob, Mal, and Keith. Boy, I sure do seem to be attracting some good ones just now!!!

Lisa

***************

Hi Lisa,

I’m glad to hear that you expressed your concerns to Terry and you both were able to talk about it.

It seems like it may have been helpful to visit his home to see just how much of an issue it really was, but I think it’s really great that you tuned into your inner self and listened to it’s guidance: It just didn’t feel right.

This juggling period is the perfect time to really learn more about yourself, what you really need, what you can live with, what’s too much and what’s just right.

When it is just right- it feels like a perfect fit- like when you find just the right shoe- you slip it on and it’s comfortable, you feel like you’ve worn it your whole life and you could wear it easily all day long.

Until a relationship feels like the perfect pair of shoes- comfortable, easy, and supportive- it’s best to keep an open heart and mind as you explore all of the many facets of the people you are involved with.

Like the wrong pair of shoes, a partner who isn’t quite right- will cause some pinching, discomfort, or pain. You’ll want to take it off, take a break, or try other more comfortable shoes.

That’s normal and listening to how you really feel- that’s the light that guides your way. Keep following your light!

Dr. Jenn

Are You Missing a Fundamental Building Block?

2009-01-21T17:18:00.000-08:00

Dr. Jenn,

I had a couple of really nice dates with Terry.

He was so excited to see me that he accidentally wore two different shoes!! We laughed and laughed about that. It was good to see he could go with the flow with such things.

After the dates though, I got to thinking about what he said about his house being a total mess. I must admit that this morning I am quite scared about how bad it might be. He says he bought a new vacuum because he couldn't find the old vacuum in the mess of his house. This was 18 months ago and it has not yet been taken out of the box it came in! He laughs about it, but it scares me.

Also, it seems that even though he says he wants to be healthy, he still eats at McDonalds often, and other fast food places, and this bothers me too. And now I know he is on high blood pressure meds, AND he is quite overweight.

It makes me want to back off from my emotional connection with him until I know more.

He says he wants to be healthier, and he wants to clean up his messy house, but he doesn't appear to be doing either. I know I could influence him, but I have a hard enough time keeping my SELF on a good diet and keeping the clutter out of MY life, so, even though we laugh a lot when together, I find I am emotionally backing off.

Today I re-opened my MATCH profile which had been hidden for the last month or so. I feel I need to remain open to options right now, especially because of these two big yellow flags with Terry.

My original list of WANTS in a man include someone who is reasonably neat and clean, AND someone who takes pretty good care of his body and of his health. Does the laughter that we share overpower these two WANTS? I don't know.

Is it my responsibility to take on these issues and help him with them? No, but I sure can see that by falling for him, and trying to make it work with him, that I WOULD also be taking on these extra burdens in my life, OR I would be deciding to live with him just as he is, a person who struggles to make changes, or really doesn't care to and is perhaps quite happy with things, even though he says he wants to change.

I don't know if he is wanting to make those changes in order to be with me or if he wants to make them for himself. And wanting to make changes and actually MAKING them, can be miles apart. So, as I mentioned before, I feel myself backing away from him emotionally, and keeping myself open to more "juggling".

Lisa

***************************************

Hi Lisa,

I am glad to hear that you are keeping your eyes on the red flags and not ignoring them!

It would be easy to temporarily sweep things like “messy house,” “poor diet,” and “overweight” into the corner and pretend that they are not there.

But you are being super smart in recognizing the very essence of the issue: That yes, you would be taking him on EXACTLY as he is.

A budding relationship needs to be built, above all, on acceptance of WHO the other person IS.

That is one of the most fundamental relationship building blocks of all.

If he hasn’t changed on his own, it isn’t likely he’ll change for you, or anyone else. Because like you say, it’s hard enough to change for yourself! Clearly that motivation has to come from within, and up till now it’s been missing.

You don't want to be "that woman" who mistakenly thinks she'll "change her man." Or that he will "love me enough to change."

Cozy sentiments, but not exactly based in reality, eh?!

So, it’s savvy to realize that you aren’t going to change this man. And smart to know yourself well enough to pause and say, “I’m not sure I CAN accept those things. I’m not sure that I WANT to accept those things.”

Just blindly going along and falling more in love with him would most definitely bring you to a much more complicated choice point in the future- when higher emotional attachments means bigger broken hearts. So slowing down the emotional intensity is a spot on move.

It's almost always better to walk away early after you've acknowledged some issues- rather than to stay and wait it out.

Once you become more deeply emotionally invested, it becomes harder and harder to walk away- even when you know you should. This is how relationships that should have lasted 6 weeks, last 2 years!

It seems to me that this is a case where you can “collect more data” and see how it goes, and keep tuning into your gut along the way. Maybe see his house first hand to get a clearer sense of what the situation is- after all couples do have to live together! And people’s idea of “a mess” can be very different.

But in the end, are the tradeoffs worth it? Only you can know.

But at this early stage of dating, there is no reason to “settle” if several major things just don’t match up. It’s always good to listen to your gut, heart, AND head!

Dr. Jenn

ps- By the way, being able to laugh about something as "embarrassing" as mis-matched shoes is a good personality trait to notice in a potential partner. If you can laugh when others get mad or sad- life together is so much easier!

True Test: Loving 'Who You Are' with Your Partner

2009-01-14T12:43:00.000-08:00

Dr. Jenn

"Over- enthusiasm right from the beginning" is a good way to describe how I felt about the Danny adventure.

It was quite flattering at first, as most guys seem under-enthused, but I also kept thinking that he must not have dated much since he seemed to be jumping to conclusions that clearly were premature.

One good lesson for me, from the Danny experience, is that it clearly DOES take time to get to know another person. I do hope that he learned that lesson as well.

Another thing I’ve discovered is that more and more I see all men as the SAME man, really as mere reflections of me.

With the only difference being that each "male body" holds up a slightly different type of mirror, so that how I see them (in the mirror) is just a slightly different reflection of myself.

Some bring out my funny side, some bring out my angry side, some bring out my logical side, some bring out my spiritual side, etc And some are more comfortable to be with than others. I guess, at this stage of my life, I am looking for comfort, among other things.

Lisa

*************************

Lisa

I agree that a major gift of this experience was learning that while being overenthusiastic and throwing your self into the moment can feel good on both sides- it really does mask the obvious- that you don’t even know each other!

Thankfully- you were able to keep the bigger picture in mind here and not join Danny too much in creating a fantasy world before creating the reality!

So much can change so soon in the early stages- that the joy is in the discovery- not trying to fast forward to a glorified, imagined future.

I also love that juggling is also allowing you to discover the gift of the Interpersonal Mirror. It is true that relationships act as mirrors shining back to us parts of ourselves.

Some partnerships highlight what we most enjoy about ourselves, while others bring out our worst. There is something to be learned from all of them!

But in the end, it does seem to me that the kind of love that lasts a lifetime comes when, in the mirror of our partner, we become our Best Selves.

When through our interaction, the highest parts of ourselves are encouraged to come out and play together.

It seems to me that great love allows us to fall back in love with ourselves, because we simply love WHO WE ARE with our partner.

Great love happens when the “me” who shows up around our partner is the person we’ve been trying to coax out into the sunshine all of these years, allowing her to glow in all of her natural radiance- rather than to hide in the shadows.

And there always will be shadows that show up in that mirror- but when they come out in this type of loving partnership- when they are seen with loving acceptance in the light of day- shifting them, releasing them, becomes so much easier.

This then, loving Who You Are with your partner, becomes a great barometer of whether someone is a great partner for you!

This is a gift my own husband offers to me every day. And it's a beautiful gift of a lesson on your dating journey!

Dr. Jenn

Can you Gracefully Let Go, Like an Autumn Tree?

2009-01-12T10:19:00.000-08:00

Hi Dr. Jenn,

Well, it looks like Danny is "off" my list of possibilities.

After I had to remind him, for the third time that I don't know him well enough yet to become exclusive, I finally had to tell him that I was still talking to other guys and that I even met another guy in person.

He finally "got it" I think, and is feeling very hurt by it. Sounds like he is feeling “burned” even though I was honest with him the whole time. He’s not interested in communicating further.

I feel okay with his decision. It's just a plain fact to me that I am not and was not ready to commit to an exclusive relationship with Danny. Perhaps this is what you meant when you said it only works for so long, when one of the parties is being exclusive, and the other is not.

Since I was following my heart, and staying true to my feelings, this outcome is perfectly fine for me. It just tells me that Danny is not the right match for me.

I guess that he was "trusting" that I was being exclusive with him, even though I politely let him know all along that this was not yet the case. Oh well.

I don't yet know Terry as well as I thought I knew Danny, but with Terry things are moving in VERY good directions. We laugh soooo much. I'm excited!

Lisa

*************

Lisa,

I am so loving that you are seeing this situation with such clear perspective. Granted, it’s always easier to let one go, when you are excited about another one!

But still- you are so right on when you say “It just tells me that Danny is not the right match for me.”

So often people struggle right at this moment, when instead, they can just relax into the only reality that matters- the other person just wasn’t right for them.

Any time a relationship falls apart- it happens for only one real reason: It simply wasn’t meant to be. There is no point fighting that fact. That's a tiring, futile battle!

When you can fully grasp that truth- letting go comes naturally.

I liken it to the Tree of Love:

- Most partners come as leaves- for a short time, to bring a lesson, then depart.
- A small number come as branches- for a longer time, adding more substantial meaning to our lives.
- But only a tiny handful in our entire lives will ever be true trunks- people with whom we are meant to build a life with.

Danny was clearly a leaf- and just as the tree gracefully allows the leaf to drop away in the Fall, we can do the same- gently allowing nature to take it’s course.

And just as we can imagine the Tree saying, “Hey- it was so nice having you- I’m so glad we got to spend time together. I wish you the best,” we can part in appreciation.

That appreciation is easiest to grasp when we can clearly identify the lessons, the gifts, we were brought together to bestow upon each other.

Stepping into gratitude for those gifts is the best way to ensure that next time around, we attract an even better match!

So- what were the lessons, the gifts, that you and Danny offered each other?

Dr. Jenn

Are You Creating Myth or Reality?

2009-01-07T09:47:00.000-08:00

Hi Dr. Jenn,

And the fourth time was pretty darn good too!!!To think that I ALMOST didn't see Terry again!

I think I may have something called ACTIVE IMAGINATION, where my thoughts read all sorts of things into where a relationship may be headed, or who a person may be, and then I take action based on those imagined thoughts.

I want to be more aware of when this happens in the future.

Yesterday Terry came to pick me up, and we went first to brunch and then to a plant conservatory that was filled with warm humid plants and beautiful music, and plenty of sunshine, and benches for just sitting together and watching the world go by.

We sat there for a long time, talking and people watching, soaking up the sunshine and the warmth. It was a perfect day!!!

And now it is back to work for both of us, but I have a feeling I will be seeing him next week.

I did get an email this morning from Danny, wondering where I have been and noticing that my emails to him have changed.

And they have. I now find myself thinking much more about Terry than about Danny.

And now I need a few days to work on me, and my new little place, and my new job.

Life sure is good!!!

Lisa

****************

Lisa,

I like how you call it Active Imagination! I call it Projection!!

Most of us have a bad habit of projecting all of our hopes, and wishes, and dreams onto a person before we know them.

We know just a little about them, and fill in the blanks with what we hope is true. Then we are surprised to find out 3 months later, that the person isn’t who we thought they were!!! Ooops!

Usually what we plug in is positive, so we are negatively surprised later on.

But as you have seen, you might also plug in something negative. Now you’ve been pleasantly surprised when the real Terry is being revealed!!

Either way, you hit the nail on the head.

It’s much better not to imagine or project anything. Since we are bound to be wrong when we fill in the blanks on a person, especially since we fill in the blanks based on our own past experiences!

For real love to arise,
We want to create an opening for something new and fresh to evolve.
And we want to allow a intimate connection to develop between the authentic selves.

Both those things can only happen when we open up the Sacred Space of Possibilities, and leave it clear for the truth to emerge between us.

Rather than to fill it in with all of the “garbage” our minds wants to spew forth into that space!

When you keep out expectations, hopes, dreams, and images- you allow your budding relationship to unfold without the heavy burden of myth- and instead you give it the space to become what it was meant to be!

To give that process room to grow organically, I encourage you to not think too much about it.

To be in the moment when you are with them.
And to be in the moment when you are not with them- meaning you aren’t thinking that much about them when they are not around!

Thinking too much about them when they are not around lends itself to fantasy more than reality.

Clear the slate of your mind before each interaction with them.
And continue to offer your authentic self in the moment to each of them.
Then the path will soon become obvious!

Enjoy the journey,

Dr. Jenn

3rd Times the Charm

2009-01-04T10:08:00.000-08:00

Hi Dr. Jenn,

I just got home from my third date with Terry, to a movie and dinner.

And I am REALLY liking him. We laugh so much. And he is SOOOOO sweet and easy going. He sees the humorous side in most anything. I LOVE IT!!

He wants to see me again, soon.

I don't know Terry or Danny well enough yet, but if I had to choose between them today, Terry would win.

He is so sweet and cuddly and warm.

We saw SEVEN POUNDS, the new Will Smith movie, and he even cried!

Anyway, life is pretty darn good right now.

Lisa

*****

Lisa,

How awesome!

Isn’t it interesting how your feelings can change so much from one date to the next!?

After the second date, you were thinking of canceling this third date- and now you are really digging him!

That’s why I always recommend giving someone at least 3 dates, if you have any interest in someone at all.

It can take at least that long for the real person to start shining through. So, I am super glad you waited it out! That is a great dating lesson to have experienced.

And now the reward: A man who is in touch with his emotions enough to cry!

That’s one of my favorite male characteristics. In fact, when I was online dating, my profile said: “Bonus for a man who can remember the last time he cried.” So, Terry just earned bonus points in my book!

Don't worry about choosing, or how it will turn out- just keep allowing it to unfold in all of it's exciting glory!

You don’t have to KNOW anything right now, your only job is to enjoy the process and keep listening to your gut about how you feel!

Dr. Jenn

Exploring Concerns with a Noticing Statement

2009-01-03T10:20:00.000-08:00

Hi Dr. Jenn,

I had a WONDERFUL time with Danny on New Year's Eve. He brought over some interesting music for us to listen to and also brought me a gift of SILK PJs. It seems too early in a relationship for such a gift, but to be kind I accepted it.

He sure does seem to be working hard to do everything right, including reading a Raw Food book that I recommended. It's almost like he is going overboard to do the things that would get me to like him. Too much, too soon, I think.

Even though I like being with him, I feel like I am needing to hold him off, and maintain time for my SELF. I really like what you had to say about BUILDING MY LITTLE NEST here without too many memories or influence of some guy.

Today I have another date with the Terry who I laugh with every time we talk. I am looking forward to that. I feel that Danny would not be happy if he knew I had a date with another guy today but the right opportunity to tell him did not present itself.

Is it important for me to keep reminding Danny that I am not yet wanting to be exclusive? It seems he is assuming that we are even though I have not told him that. How can I nicely remind him? Maybe not being so available for him will be enough.

Yes, I DO feel that I need more space from Danny. And he left his CDs here without asking and I will make a point of returning those the next time I see him. He wants to see me again tomorrow but I am thinking that I want an evening to myself. I can see that I need/want to schedule in at least one day to myself between dates with guys.

Another thing I noticed with Danny, is that there is some jealousy or something when I pay attention to my dog. My dog is NOT the get in your face type and has not asked for much attention when Danny is here. But Danny has barely even acknowledged that she exists. She is such a big part of my life, that I do want a guy who would like her too.

I like this stage of relationship, where I can just notice such things, and take some notes, and not feel I have to turn everything into a discussion. I also want to see how Danny is NATURALLY and not give him too many clues about exactly what I want and like because I feel he might be trying to BE just what he thinks it would take to win me over.

I am working hard at staying VERY aware that it takes time to REALLY get to know another person, and that the first person they portray, might not be who they REALLY are.

And I am also aware of the ways that I tend to want to be the person I think THEY would like and by being aware of that, I work at first being true to me AND to the little dog in my life.

I really like your suggestion to keep in touch with my girlfriends, etc. I DID go to a movie with my good friend Jamie the other day and we had such a good time catching up on life. I think that watching how a guy feels about that, can be a good clue too, to how he will be about it later. Some guys I have dated can be very possessive with me and my time... and not want me showing affection to my dog.... or spending time with my friends. And I plan to continue to do BOTH of those even IN relationship. Well, maybe it requires somewhat less time with friends but I do still want friends in my life. Right?

Will send a report soon about my date with Terry. We talked by phone again yesterday and again we laughed and laughed. Danny is NOT that easy to laugh with. He is much more serious and "driven".

One thing I really like about juggling is that it gives me something to compare each guy with and think about the options that I have when choosing one to share parts of my life with.

Lisa
************

Lisa,

I just love how you are learning to savor this stage of dating! You totally get it now! It’s a real benefit to be able to notice how one person makes you feel versus another. Allows you to get to know yourself and what you really need much more clearly.

It’s also a step forward to be able to just notice things without having to DO something about it. Just noticing how things make you feel, making little mental notes, maybe forming a little hypothesis, then collecting more data.

Like this thing with Danny and your dog. You’ve noticed how this makes you feel, it’s like a little yellow light.

It’s true that you want to see who Danny is naturally, especially with a person who seems to want to please, a little too much. On the other hand, with a situation like with your dog, it’s the perfect opportunity to collect more data by having an open conversation about it.

Exploring something like that now, will give you more information about who he is.

And you can always bring up your concern about him trying to please you, too. I think that might be prudent given all of the signs he’s showing you.

Seeing how he’s able to engage in such a conversation will offer you much insight. If he can deal with something sort of small like this with grace, then it gives hope for handling the more intricate issues that develop later.

I always find that you can bring up these type of things easiest with a simple “I notice” comment.

Something like, “I noticed X about you and my dog. I’m curious, tell me more. ”

Just opening it up like that, will often give the person the opportunity to explain more about what’s going on for them.

Then AFTER you’ve heard their perspective, you can tell him a little about yours AND your needs. That’s ok too.

You want to help the other person understand your needs so it gives them the opportunity to meet them. They don’t have to guess what your needs are or what you want from them.

And in this case, you can follow that up with your concern about him wanting to please you, with a Sandwich, something like,

“It makes me feel so good when you do things like read the Raw Food book, because you know it interests me. That’s so nice. I haven’t dated many men who go out of their way to do things like that! (the positive) I noticed you seem to be willing to do a lot of things to please me. (the concern/negative). I know that in the past, I’ve sometimes been a little too willing to do things to please the men I’ve dated. I just want to make sure we don’t get into something like that here. It’s important to me that we both get to be ourselves. Of course, I think it’s great if we also stretch ourselves and learn about things that we each enjoy. What do you think? (Positive)”

This opens up a whole array of options to explore all sorts of things about both of you, without putting him on the defensive.

If you can have a conversation like this with someone, and have it go well- it tells you a lot about whether your relationship can withstand the tests of time!

Oh yes, and about reminding him of not being exclusive yet. If it makes you feel more comfortable, you can work it into this same conversation with something like,

“You know, I’m getting closer and closer to feeling like being with only you. (positive) It still feels right to take it slow and not just jump into being exclusive quite yet. I’ve had that get so messed up in the past, when I rushed it. (negative) I wanted you to know that I do think we are moving in that direction though (positive).

I invite you to give this whole conversation a try, with your own words of course!

And I do like how you are paying attention to what feels good to you- what you need, in terms of time and space. It’s very easy to just fall into the habit of giving all of your time to someone in the beginning and sort of losing yourself- and your friends!

It’s so important to stand strong and tall, in your Self, in your space. To not lose those boundaries of Who You Are.

As well all know, it’s when two Independent people come together, that they can offer each other Interdependence.

Interdependence is when two people can stand on their own two feet, AND be there to support and rely on each other. That is the healthy way to build love.

Plus, when you keep an active life outside of your partner, with friends and hobbies, you have more energy and ideas to bring back to the relationship to keep it fresh and exciting.

So it is important to see how a potential partner feels about outside friendships and hobbies. It really helps to have a good match in how you see those things. Some people want to be attached at the hip and others, like ships passing in the night.

You need to find a match with what feels good for you!

Let me know how it goes!

Dr. Jenn

Watching the Flower Unfurl

2009-01-02T09:30:00.000-08:00

Dr. Jenn,

The date with Terry was low key, and nice enough, but I just don't feel a connection with him. Not enough in common perhaps??? He jokes a lot and we laugh, but he is overweight and kinda sluggish and slow. We have another "date" set, but I am feeling a desire to cancel it. My heart is DEFINITELY being stolen by Danny, who I am going out with again soon.

This will be our sixth or seventh date I believe. The other night he came to get me and we went shopping together. We had a GREAT time. We like all the same sorts of things. When he dropped me off here, we did some meditating together and our combined energies is amazing.

He is still very much focused ONLY on me. I am feeling I WANT to be focused only on him, but haven't told him so as yet. Even though I feel like I could easily do so, I am holding back on how much of myself I share with him.

I’m being VERY aware of how part of me thinks I ought to jump right in and share EVERYthing. Though there is another part of me, the new, wiser part, that tells me it is okay, at this stage, to not tell him everything. Maybe it is even okay at EVERY stage to not tell the person you are with everything.

I can see now, that in my past, I was likely way too open way too soon. I do like though, how open Danny is with me. And he feels like I am the best thing that ever happened to him. And that makes me smile.

So, I am VERY tempted to put all of my eggs in the Danny basket for a time, to see where it goes. Not quite there yet, but sure am moving in that direction. I suspect that when the time is right, I will feel it very strongly, and it will then be very easy to let the other guys know I am no longer available. Right?

I think the fact that I have no desire to be reading new profiles online just now, tells me SOMEthing. Part of me wants to fully and totally relax into this one relationship and see where it takes us.

Based on past dating experiences, I am finding I am a bit afraid to go there so I need to take it slow and allow any relationship a chance to grow on it's own if it does. I find that I am needing to get out of the way and allow it to be what it will and be okay with whatever that is.

Lisa

**************

Lisa,

It sounds like things with Danny are moving in the right direction- that is how juggling ends- you just one day feel like that is the ONE person you most want to spend time with. The others melt away from importance.

So, I really like that you are taking your time getting there, just noticing each little step along that route- rather than jumping right in.

There is so much to learn about yourself when you slow down and take note!
And you are doing such a great job doing that!

I love how you are noticing what you want to do, what you would normally do- but how you are now able to decide what you will do. That’s the difference between knee jerk reacting, and it’s better cousin, responding, based on what’s best for your own Highest Good.

While opening yourself all up at once can feel good in the moment, it creates a pseudo-closeness that isn’t real yet. You think you really know someone, but knowing someone is about seeing how they are over time, in different situations, not just what they “tell you.”

I love this that you said: “I need to take it slow and allow any relationship a chance to grow on it's own if it does. I find that I am needing to get out of the way and allow it to be what it will and be okay with whatever that is.”

That’s true wisdom, right there!

Taking your time, discovering each new layer, exploring the next level of deepness and savoring the experience the whole way, allowing it to be what it is, not what you want it to be- that’s the healthy way to grow a great love.

It's like watching and allowing a flower to slowly unfurl, each petal at a time, opening to see the light, not needing it to be anything other than just what nature intends.

And I think your bit of fear about “wanting to fully and totally relax into this one relationship and see where it takes us” is normal. It comes from knowing that when you rushed in, in the past, it didn’t always have a positive outcome. It’s a sign that yes, it’s not quite yet time.

The time will be right when that little fear melts away, because you’ve seen enough of Danny, over time, to have the yellow lights turn into a bright green, glowing light, beckoning your heart forward.

Then committing to this one developing relationship, and relaxing into it, allowing it to evolve ever more deeply, will be the most natural thing in the world.

And most rewarding, because you will know you’ve followed your heart, without losing your head!

Enjoying the unfolding of this journey with you,

Dr. Jenn

Standing in the Space of Positive Possibilities!

2008-12-27T09:00:00.000-08:00

Hi Dr. Jenn,

So, I met the new guy, Terry, at a coffee shop and he is very kind and sweet too, like Danny. They even look a bit alike!

Terry and I laughed through the whole meeting, sharing similar childhood memories. I gave him a nice hug at the end of our meeting and he said he was hoping for that, so I think I will be seeing him again.

He called a couple of days later and we did a LOT of laughing on the phone. He seems to bring out the funny bone in me. And we scheduled a second date.

So, I guess I am officially "juggling." I have to keep reminding myself that I don't need to choose between these two just yet and that I can even add others to the mix, if that happens.

And it doesn't matter to me if they are juggling me too. Even if they tell me they are not, I am not allowing that to cause me to feel guilty.

Of course if it comes up, I will be honest and explain my dating plan. As I see it, until I decide to be exclusive with any guy, it doesn't matter what they decide. And there won't be any notion of becoming intimate until we DO both decide to be exclusive.

And right now, I have no clue who that could be with, but when it happens it will be with a guy I have taken the time to get to know.

I think I could learn to like this juggling stage : )

BTW, I am still a little baffled about how soon to share how much with a guy. Danny has offered several times to come over and help me to unpack, but I have explained to him that that would be too intimate at this stage of relationship for me and I know better than to invite a man over for any extended period too soon, especially to help me rummage through my things.

Besides, he would see the stack of printed out profiles sitting next to my computer! lol

Lisa

**********

Lisa-

That’s a great feeling isn’t it? Having two wonderful prospects- imagine all the positive possibilities!

All of that laughter with Terry is a very good sign indeed. Getting each other’s sense of humor so early on is always a good sign of compatibility. After all, eventually, you want your life together to be filled with fun!

And sure, in the “getting to know you, friendly stage” there is never any need to choose. Choosing happens gradually over time as you get to know people and it becomes clear who your feelings are growing for, who you want to spend more time with, above anyone else.

Usually, it happens naturally, and the choice makes itself clear!

And as you mention, it’s important that the choice for exclusivity is mutual. If it’s not mutual, then neither of you should go down that path alone, at least for very long!

I can tell you are getting clearer and clearer about how you want the process of dating to work for you. You are getting to the point of standing in your truth- even if others do not always agree!

Life needs to be about what is for your Highest Good, first, rather than changing it based on what every new person thinks or wants. That is an empowering place to be! Yea!

I also like that you’ve resisted the urge to get some manly help unpacking! That is pretty intimate for after 1 or 2 dates.

You want your new home to be a haven, so inviting someone in so soon, before you’ve created your sacred space, could spell trouble.

You want that space to be all yours, rather than creating memories of it that include someone else. Memories that stick around a long time after you figure out that the someone isn’t right for you!

Inching forward, date by date, embracing with curiosity, the natural unfolding of budding attraction. It’s an adventure!

Dr. Jenn

Entering the 'Go Slow Zone'

2008-12-26T09:00:00.000-08:00

Dr. Jenn,

I had my second date with Danny. We met (my idea) at a small upscale mall to eat and walk around and enjoy the lights and atmosphere. We ended up at the Barnes and Noble and that proved to be a WONDERFUL place to spend another hour.

He bought two books that I said I thought were very good: IF THE BUDDHA WERE IN RELATIONSHIP by Charlotte Kasl and LOVING WHAT IS by Byron Katie.......and he bought another about understanding women.

When we peeked at THE SECRET, he said it was that book that brought me into his life. I just smiled.

It was a very nice and loving evening indeed. He sure is doing and saying everything right, and I notice how we both become more relaxed when we are together. Yep, very nice indeed.

Thankfully, Danny was very receptive to taking things slow and forming a friendship and we talked quite a bit about that.

He wanted to know how many times I thought it would be good to get together if we were dating. I said I thought about 1-2 times a week would be good at first, and he agreed.

I DID tell him that I intend to meet a couple of the guys I have been talking to, and he seemed fine with that. I will be happy to answer truthfully any questions he may have about it, if he does.

I remember one guy who I met a few years ago. He was juggling and planned to meet about ten women, and then make a decision. I liked him a lot and was hoping to be the chosen one. I felt a bit hurt when I was not but I really respected him for being honest with me. And I think that I was second in line, and that is not so bad out of ten!

We had some nice things in common, but he WAS a little old for me being about 9 years older so I figure it was all meant to be just as it happened

More juggling to do, I’ve got a date with another new guy coming up soon, Terry. Plus, I have two more guys online who are also interesting and interested in getting together soon.

I realized that I have done plenty of juggling BEFORE meeting in person. But I always just figured upon meeting that I had to make a YES/NO decision about each one. Now, I sure do like the notion of being able to take my time to get to know each one a bit better, if some chemistry is there. Yep, life is good!! This is working for me so far and I thank you for your wisdom!!

Lisa
************

Lisa-

So glad to hear the second date went swell and that he seems to be willing to “get with the program” by slowing down a bit!

I think you can tell a ton about a person by the kind of books they read- in fact, spending time at a book store early on is a fantastic date for that very reason!

So from Danny’s 3 selections, I’m very impressed!! Interested in self-growth, spirituality, and relationships- doesn’t get much better than that! All green lights so far!

I’m glad you are feeling more relaxed about juggling and the process of getting to know people on a more friendly level- there is no rush and no need to figure things out. Time always tells! Usually sooner than we would like it to anyway!

Glad you gave Danny the idea of 1-2x a week in the beginning! That’s right on target. There are several aspects to consider when you plan on going slow, so I’m including them below for your consideration.

5 Go Slow Zone Strategies

In the beginning (typically the first month or so), it helps to follow some general guidelines.

1. DO: A date once a week
DON’T: Spend all weekend together

2. DO: A couple of emails a week
DON’T: Email several times daily

3. DO: A phone call during the week to make plans or touch base
DON’T: Talk on the phone every day

4. DO: Keep up with your hobbies and interests
DON’T: Immediately invite them to become a constant companion in all of your favorite pursuits (If it doesn’t work out, your favorite activity will now be a painful reminder of them!)

5. DO: Keep seeing your friends, separately from your new love interest
DON’T: Start spending less time with your friends- your friends are forever, this person only has “potential”

All of these strategies are designed to invite someone into your life, gradually.

By doing it slowly but surely, you lessen the risk of becoming overly emotionally dependent on someone you don’t even know yet!

Think of it as both of you earning the right to step further into each others’ hearts, to further explore the territory of You.

Let me know how it goes in the Slow Zone!

Dr. Jenn

I Finally Get It!: My New Dating Game Plan

2008-12-23T09:00:00.000-08:00

Dr. Jenn,

So, I’ve been thinking about everything, and I think I just figured out the best dating steps to take.

1. First, find someone where there is mutual interest in each other. And mutual interests that might be shared. And common values. And ultimately looking for the same sort of relationship.

2. Then meet for coffee or dinner, to see if there is any in-person chemistry.And then most people go from here to physical intimacy.

This is where I have been failing, I think!

3. The next step would be to see if you can develop a true friendship with this person, complete with a bit of flirting of course to keep that chemistry alive, but at bay.

A friendship filled with MANY assorted shared activities. And once you have found many activities (OTHER than sex) that you enjoy doing together...and you STILL really thoroughly enjoy each other's company...

4. THEN, and only then, will you be ready to become more intimate. And to begin sharing quiet nights together at home in front of the TV watching a movie or whatever. Those things that tend to lead to romantic involvement.

Yep, THIS IS MY PLAN.

And I think that I can continue to "juggle" up to step 4. Or, maybe sometime during step 3, we would decide to become mutually exclusive.

Lisa

*************

Lisa,

So great for you! So nice when it finally all comes together and makes sense to you.
I am in total and complete agreement. I think you hit the nail on the head- that a viable, long-term romance is truly sustained by friendship!

Since most people zoom into bed, they never discover if they can be good friends, till after they tumble out of bed into the real world.

By postponing the more intimate parts of getting to know each other, you are actually giving yourselves time to truly bond on what matters- WHO you are- NOT how great in bed you might be.

Then, when you finally choose to become sexually involved, you really have built up a lovely anticipation, a greater desire, and a chemistry that’s based on more than the superficial aspects.

All of that translates into some seriously hot sparks in the bedroom.

The bonus of all of that:
It will be so much more than sweaty bodies- it will be about giving the gift of WHO you are to each other- something you can never do when you jump into bed too soon.

At that point- it’s so much more meaningful, making it so much more memorable! And usually, so much more pleasurable!

I’m glad this piece of the puzzle finally fits just right for you. I’m looking forward to seeing how this new game plan pans out for you!

Dr. Jenn

Thank You!

2008-12-22T16:00:00.000-08:00

Dr. Jenn,

WONDERFUL!!!

YOUR ADVICE IS SOOOOO GREAT!!!!!

I will re-read this as many times as I need to over the next few weeks. And now, back to juggling : )

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

I can do this. YES I CAN!! And what fun it can be!

Lisa

************

Lisa!

I always love your enthusiasm! That's what makes you so much fun to work with!

That, and you actually take all of the information, think about it, and apply it to your life, making dating a grand adventure.

I'm so glad we are taking this exciting journey together!

I can't wait to see what happens next!

Seems like you will at least have a date for New Year's!

Dr. Jenn

Should I Let Him Come Over on the Second Date?

2008-12-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

Dr. Jenn,

Talked with Danny on the phone and we determined the day for our next date BUT...He is suggesting that he come over here.

What do I say to him? Do I just say that I am not ready for that yet? Do I say I would prefer to have a certain number of dates first, without going to each other's homes? And how many would that be, to give us a chance to get to know each other?

I think that I can learn a lot about a person by seeing where he lives. Would it be okay for me to suggest that I stop by his house on our way to dinner? And drive separately? This would only be our second date.

I really think I need to keep things cool and slow ESPECIALLY since he seems to be wanting to rush things along. I think I will compose some sort of careful "boundaries" email to him tomorrow.

Yes, I need to set some boundaries, and keep them clear, and stick to them. Yes, I really want to stay focused in what is real, and not what either of us may be fantasizing. And THANKS for your suggestion to "watch what I am thinking too".

There is one other guy who I have been talking to, who I find quite interesting as well, and in the name of "juggling" I would really like to meet him too. Now Danny is pretty sure that he ONLY wants to see me, and no one else, so how do I let him know that I am still interested in meeting this other guy, or do I actually need to do that.

Could I just make plans to meet the other guy and just not be available to see Danny that night? What am I obligated to tell Danny at this point in a relationship?

I am still well aware that there might be some big deal breaker that shows up, and I DO want to be careful not to move things along too quickly.

THANKS SO MUCH!!!

Lisa

**********************
Hi Lisa-

Yes, some boundaries would be good!

I don’t think I’d do that via email though. Consider this instead: Sometimes you don't have to spell them out in bold language- especially right in the beginning like that it could be off putting- YOU just have to maintain the boundaries from your end!

So, going to either of your houses on a second date is not wise- especially if he is rushing. You can just suggest a different place to meet (“I have a great idea, why don't we...”) and if he asks- you can just say you "like to save that for later."

Sure, I agree- you can learn about him by checking out his place- but I'd wait another couple of dates, even on that. Why put that pressure on yourself? No rush.

When to go to his place, really depends on your own abilities to maintain the physical boundaries with all that chemistry! If you know you tend to be weak-willed and too easily give in to desire, then you wait longer- and keep meeting in public places!!!

I do like your idea of starting that process by just popping in and out of his house, or just picking each other up- not staying- that means less chance of ending up in a horizontal position!

Now- another thing to consider: how on earth can Danny KNOW he only wants to see you when he's only met you once!!! What does that tell you about him???

At this point in your acquaintance- and that's all it really is- you don't have any obligation to tell him anything really.

You've already broached the topic of juggling with him, right? He knows where you stand on it.

Until you've gone out at least 4-5 times or more, it's not even a relevant concern. I mean, at this point- you aren't yet "friends"!

You don't have to tell him anything more- in fact, if he's uncomfortable with it, I just wouldn't say anything more- right now. You just go about your business like normal, making dates, living your own life.

While I encourage transparent dating- think about it this way:
Your life is NOT AN OPEN BOOK for him , yet.

Right now, he is just getting introduced to a chapter at a time- not whole chucks of it! He has no right to read through the entire thing on the first sitting. He has to prove he is worthy of getting to the juicy parts!

Be like a fine novel, enjoyed a chapter at a time.

Let me know how it goes!

Dr. Jenn

Great First Date: Is Lisa About to Make the Most Common Dating Mistake?

2008-12-21T17:22:00.002-08:00

Hi Dr. Jenn,

I met Danny for the first time and IT WAS WONDERFUL!!!

He has taken himself off the online dating sites. I will probably do the same too, soon. It was by far the best first meeting with a man in a VERY, VERY, VERY long time for me.

And we did quite a bit of email exchanging before meeting so we know that we have a lot in common and are looking for the same things from relationship.

He has been divorced for two years and has dated very briefly, two other women. He has a 15 year old daughter still living at home, so that could be interesting but he claims she is encouraging him to date.

Yep, I guess it pays to just KNOW the right person will show up soon. I am VERY excited about Danny but remembering all that you have said and playing it cool, except for a bit of friendly teasing. I plan to wait for a few more dates before inviting him here. There is no rush and this is such a fun time to be "growing" the desire and anticipation, right?

Please tell me more about why it is so important to take things slowly, and not rush into the physical, even when there is a LOT of physical chemistry. Lisa

***********

Lisa-

So glad to hear that your date went as well as hoped! I know nothing is more exciting than meeting someone you think has potential, especially after a dry spell.

But as you know, the only safe way to date is to go SLOW!

Going too fast, falling head over heels, before you even KNOW who you are falling for, is dangerous.

In fact, I’d say Moving Too Fast is the number one mistake singles make!

Hearts get broken every day because we get ahead of ourselves, fantasizing about the ideal image of a man, when we hardly know any of the reality of that man.

We see that a couple things line up, get excited, then plug the rest of what we want to be true into our growing fantasy about who he COULD be.

That’s why it’s important to go slow- 9 out of 10 times we get to 1 month, 3 months, and we are surprised to find that this person isn’t at all what we were hoping for. Then with another aching heart we go back to the drawing table.

Your heart doesn’t have to ache so much if you don’t get overly emotionally invested in someone before they’ve proven they are worth giving your heart and mind to.

And leaping prematurely into bed in response to that chemical attraction is the worst possible way to rashly heighten that emotional connection- before you even know if you actually LIKE him all that much!

Getting physical and having sex too soon is a super bad idea for woman because oxytocin gets released.

Known as the “cuddle hormone,” it actually makes you feel more bonded and attached to this guy- so you better make sure as heck that he’s a guy you actually want to feel bonded to- otherwise, it’ll make it tough to walk away from a situation that needs to be walked away from.

Bottom line: Sex increases your expectations, heightens your emotional involvement, and seriously reduces your ability to be objective about who this person really is!

None of these things are helpful in the beginning of a budding attraction. It leads to all sorts of foolish decision making that you most often regret later!

So yes- hold your horses- both the physical and mental ones.

You want to go slow physically, but also be aware of what you are saying even in your head! What you say to yourself, the picture you are building up in your mind- is even more important than what you say and do with the other person!!

Try not to build up anything in your mind.

As you said- now is the time to simply relax, sit back, and enjoy the delicious process of watching a new attraction unfold. And especially, don’t jump to any conclusions about him being the perfect soulmate after one date!

PS- Don't take your profile down any time soon!

Dr. Jenn

Should You Juggle?

2008-12-19T16:54:00.000-08:00

Dr. Jenn-

So, I got back online and I have many guys interested just now. I’m definitely in the "juggling" phase!

Some guys are not so sure about me wanting to still see others. And I need to make it clear that if and when I feel a strong enough connection with them, that then, and only then, will I consider becoming exclusive.

This guy Danny who I have been talking with online and on phone with now for a week thinks we are a match made in heaven. And he is ready to take his profile off of Match.

AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN MET IN PERSON YET!!!!

What do I say to HIM?
How do I explain that I want to "juggle" and what that is??

It sounds so noble when a guy says he only dates one person at a time. And I somehow feel devious to want to be meeting several just now, even though I am very open with everyone about it.

HELP!!!
Lisa

********

Hey Lisa!

Glad to hear that things are moving ahead and there are some exciting prospects!

It’s interesting that the double standard seems alive and well: if a man only wants to date one person, we think he’s noble- but we EXPECT the woman to only date one person!!!

I think we can throw that baby out with the bathwater- because it just isn’t helpful.

As long as you are being forthright with your intentions- which you are- there is absolutely no reason to feel devious!!

So give yourself renewed permission to “juggle”. It is absolutely the ONLY way to date online.

Readers: If you are new to Dr. Jenn-speak, juggling is when you are getting to know more than one person at a time. Essentially, it’s dating more than one person until such a time that you decide you’d like to be exclusive with someone.

It’s the most effective and efficient way to date online because people you are interested in just up and disappear all the time, at all stages of the process online.

If you’re really serious about finding a great partner, it just doesn’t make sense to put all of your eggs in one very shaky basket!

So, yes, just reassure this new beau with something like this:
“The Juggling Talk”

“I like to have everything out on the table, so just so you know, I’m meeting lots of different folks from online these days. I’m really looking for that special person who sets my heart afire. And when I find him, I’ll be totally ready to see only him. But in the meantime, I think it makes sense to take it slow and get to know each other, and see how everything goes.”

That’s what I call Transparent Dating- making your clear intentions so that everyone knows what page you are on. That is also the best way to date!

About him wanting to take his profile offline before you have even met- well, let me say I’m glad you put that in bold- because I can tell you know that’s crazy talk!!!!

What he is saying is that he IS willing to put all of his eggs in a basket he hasn’t even met. Now, that’s just not prudent, right?!

Because as we all know, chemistry has a very common way of evaporating right in front of your eyes the moment you meet in person! Even if, you’ve totally delighted each other via email and the phone!

So, taking your profile done now is premature, and well, it would be foolish!

Of course you don’t have to tell HIM that- he has the right to do what he wants.

But that certainly does not mean you should feel pressured to do the same!

Instead, try a little something like this, always deliver news like this in a Sandwich fashion (positive-negative-positive):

“I’m really flattered that you like me enough to consider taking down your profile. I’m really enjoying you too. (positives)

“Of course, feel free to do what feels right to you, but I only take down my profile when a guy and I have decided to date each other exclusively. You know, when things are going really well and we’re ready to take the next step.” (negative)

“It would be great if that happens for us. I’m really looking forward to getting to know you some more and seeing how it goes!” (positive)

With these two types of statements on the tip of your tongue, you’ll get great at negotiating some of the tougher terrain of online dating, with grace!

Good luck taking them for a spin and let me know how it goes!

Dr. Jenn

Testing the Waters- Again!

2008-12-11T13:00:00.000-08:00

Dr. Jenn-

Yesterday was my birthday so and I thought I would invite Mr. Architect out to have company and just test the waters there again.

And I came away with the same conclusion....that although he is sweet and kind and I admire him greatly, he is NOT the guy for me.

I am not sure exactly why. It is mostly a "knowing.” And learning again that he is not the "one" for me. It did serve to get me back on the dating sites.

Lisa

******

Lisa-

Well, it seems like you are in good company! So many people go back to test the water out- to be sure!

And 95% of them come back with the same answer you found: It’s not right!

And all this up and down, back and forth, hope fired up then extinguished, can be uncomfortable for both people!

That’s why I recommend that people make up their mind once and make a clean break.

Before you go, test out any remaining hypotheses that this could be The One. Whatever things concern you, try to gather more data so you can say firmly, “I know this isn’t right for me.” That helps keep you from needing to go back!

That way there is one break up, not several!

Even if they are not technically real, big breakups!

So, I liked that you listened to your gut here. Sometimes, everything looks so good on paper- but your gut will tell you if it’s wise to proceed. And you’ve been listening.

The more you listen, the more accurate and more quick, those gut assessments become!

So- as you know- when we close one door to open another, it is our custom to stop and ponder: What were the gifts and lessons we offered each other? What did I learn that will make me a better person next time around?

Would love for you to share some thoughts!

PS- Happy Birthday!!!

Dr. Jenn

Back in the Online Dating Saddle- Rearing to Go!

2008-12-09T17:43:00.000-08:00

Hi Dr. Jenn,

After the move and one week at my new job, I am finally feeling my energy return. And finally feeling like once again putting myself out there to date.

I posted my profile on THREE different online dating sites today…and actually subscribed to CHEMISTRY.com.

Chemistry seems like the more "serious daters" division of MATCH.com. By that I mean it seems to focus on people who are seriously looking for real committed long term relationships........unlike what seems to be the case on either Match.com or yahoo personals.

I have already been winked at by a couple of guys on MATCH........but it usually takes a few days to get the profiles approved and noticed.

So, with renewed enthusiasm and excitement...and all of your advice planted in my head, I officially enter into the "juggling" phase of dating. (that is if I can find more than one guy to "juggle" : )

I just KNOW that this is the year (2009) that it is going to "happen" for me. Horoscope concurs. Away we go!!!!!!

Lisa

******

Lisa-

Welcome back! I’m glad you are rested and ready to go. And with such enthusiasm!

Stoking the fires of optimism, enthusiasm, and positive expectation- that “I just KNOW”- is the type of vibe that will best serve you.

In fact, dear readers, it is the secret key to attraction: When you expect love, and keep the doors wide open to love, love has a way of sauntering right on in!

I like that you hopped right back in the game by getting on 3 different online dating sites.

Diversification of interests works in the financial world- and it’s smart in dating too. With a finger in a few pots- you don’t get as impatient waiting for one to boil.

Smart move!

It’s also wise to match up your goal, here, a long term relationship, with what the site’s specialty is.

In this case, Match.com Chemistry is a wise choice, because, yes, it’s members should be more serious than regular Match members!

So, onward and upward!

If you have online dating questions, let me know as you go!

Dr. Jenn

When to Move On?: Use the Body as a Compass

2008-11-18T09:00:00.000-08:00

Lisa,

Obviously that's one of the most important questions in dating, huh!

How do I decide when there is just too much to deal with in a particular relationship and thus make the decision to move on and look elsewhere?

And of course, as in most of life's greatest mysteries, there is no simple answer!

When we get stuck in our heads, it becomes about he's this and he’s not that. He's got 13 out of 20 versus 19 out of 20 qualities I'm looking for... We can go round and round, trying to figure out “what’s right.”

But there is a simple beacon you can tune into to get pretty clear guidance: Your heart and Your Gut.

Because in the end, it's more about how you feel with a person in your life.

As a general rule, in a newly developing relationship, you should be feeling good at least 85% of the time.

There can be some bumps and bruises along the way as you learn to accommodate each other, but overall, you should feel GREAT when you are with this person AND when you THINK about this person.

You don’t need to overanalyze it either. You just check in with your heart and your gut.

6 Steps to Learning to Listen to Your Heart and Gut

1. At a calm and private time, sit down, close your eyes, and let your mind chatter quiet down.

2. Once your thoughts are mostly still, with eyes still closed, bring an image of your partner to mind. Just a general image of them.

3. Then, notice, where in your body is your attention drawn? What do you notice in your heart area? What sensations do you feel in the stomach region?

Stay with it for a moment and really get clear about what you notice.

4. Then ask a question: Is this person the right one for me? And again, notice your body’s response.

Do you feel lightness, expansion, peace, warmth? Or is there tightness, coolness, constriction, or nervousness?

5. Keep tuning into your heart and stomach areas, and just be open to the message your body has to share with you.

6. Then act on the message your body has for you!

It’s been waiting along time to share this information with you.

Remember, the head can play all sorts of gymnastic games, trying to convince us that something is right.

But the body never lies.

Start practicing tuning into your body.

Try it with work issues, family spats, friendship situations. Any dilemma that crops up. And soon, it will become second nature.

Your body (not your mind), is your soul’s compass.

And with it’s guidance- you will never be steered wrong.

You’ll always know what’s truly right for you.

What signs does your body give you when someone isn't right for you?

Please share!

Moving On

2008-11-17T19:55:00.000-08:00

Well, I've been super busy, with a brand new job starting soon and a move to be closer to that location. Exciting times.

So dating's been on the back burner for a bit.

I thought it was going well with the guy I was dating, but with all of these other things on my mind, it gave me some space to really check in and see how I felt.

And it seems like it feels right to take a break from him.

I'm having trouble getting past a certain medical condition he has which would affect how we relate and the fact that he's the sole caregiver of a teenage son! I see now how that could put a great deal of stress on a budding relationship.

I feel like I am fully ready to accept quite a lot in relationship.......but not THAT much, right from the start. Of course, it would be different I suppose if it were someone I had become really fond of, attached to, and in love with...

But since it was not to that stage, it seems best to cut it off for now.

So.....I guess it is back to the drawing board for me.

A question: As a single person who is dating, how do I decide when there is just too much to deal with in a particular relationship and thus make the decision to move on and look elsewhere?

Why Less "Hunter" and More "Hunted" Gets the Man

2008-10-27T11:58:00.000-07:00

Lisa,

Awesome, huh!?

Not that I advocate playing games, but holding back just a little, tinsy-tiny bit can have positive effect on a guy. It gives him the space to pursue you.

Which is evolutionarily wired into his man brain. Been that way for eons. No point in trying to work against that, eh?

Work with it, and let him come to you….with flowers AND chocolate!

And what to do next??

You are right on, here.

It’s SO easy once it starts to look like it’s going well, to pounce on the situation and get over-eager.

But, that’s a BIG mistake!

Because if you start pursuing a man, his hard wired instincts will make him turn around and run.

Think about it, if a tiger turns his attention on him, what’s a man to do? RUN!

But if the tiger is not paying much attention to him, and the man is hungry, what’ll he do? Creep up on the tiger, and have him for dinner (think lots of sweet nibbling).

Ok, maybe that’s a weird analogy, but you know what I mean!

So, even when the tide is turning with a new love interest and it seems like it’s heading in the right direction, keep your attention on your own life (not obsessively on him), and on being happy.

That’s when your easy going, glowing, centered, joie de vivre, will have him coming back for more, and more!

Readers: Please share- when has a little holding back helped or harmed a developing attraction?

Why is it Surprising When a Date Actually Goes Well!??

2008-10-25T10:04:00.000-07:00

Had my third date yesterday with the architect. It was super nice.

He too claims to have had a VERY wonderful day yesterday.

He just called to say good night and to say he was thinking about me all day.

I am still listening to your advice about following his lead.

And it sure does seem to be working to keep him moving in my direction!

I have been dating for a long time, and this is the first time that a man brought me BOTH flowers AND chocolates on a third date!!

It actually surprised me and I had to shake my head several times and tell myself that he IS interested and not just being polite!

Even his kiss on the bridge took me totally by surprise.

I guess I have just gone through the motions of getting ready for a date so many many times only to have them turn out bad that I could hardly believe that this one could be so good.

NOW WHAT???

I guess just more of the same...stay busy with my regular life, yet be ready to tune in when love or attention comes my way, right?

Signs Someone is Emotionally Available

2008-10-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

Last time I promised you that I'd show you how you can assess whether your new date is really emotionally available- because if you haven't got that- you haven't got anything.

First things first... what all this “emotional availability” stuff boils down to is this:
How much closeness do you prefer in a relationship?

I call it Comfort with Closeness.

Some people actually like to be like ships passing in the night, others want to be joined at the hip.

It doesn’t matter which you are, but here’s the straight talk.

You absolutely HAVE TO find someone who is a good match on this continuum from distant to close.

This isn’t a negotiable.

Otherwise you get the whole: “You pursue them, They distance from you” cycle which has been written about so much I could up my entire library on the subject.

Bottom line: When it’s a mismatch, it sucks. Hard. Painfully so.

And don’t think you’ll change this about someone.

Oh, no, no, no!

This puppy rarely budges because it’s a personality characteristic that you developed from the time you were a wee one, by modeling what happened at home.

So get this right, and get it right from the start. There’s no use wasting previous time, effort, and emotion on someone whose idea of what closeness should look like isn’t the same as yours.

How To Tell?

Ok, on to how to judge this about someone.

This Comfort with Closeness thing has 5 dimensions and you can start picking up on them right from the first date.

Below are the 5 areas and some ways to judge them, in yourself and others.

1. Mental Space- This is how much you think about your partner
- Are they preoccupied with you? Obsessed by thoughts of you? Constantly fantasizing about you?
- They say, “Oh I wanted to remember to tell you about…”
- They say, “Oh I saw something that reminded me of you today”
- They say, “Oh, I knew you would like this thing I saw, heard, etc”
- They email you articles or links they think you would like.
- You think about them every few minutes.
- They mention things in the future you might do together.
- The remember things you’ve told them, and ask about them later.

2. Time – How much time you want to spend together
- They always make time to see you, even if they are busy.
- They want to spend almost every weekend night together.
- They are happy to be together even if you can’t focus on each other (you’ve got work to do).
- They want to spend all weekend with you.
- They call, email, or text all the time.

3. Affection- How much verbal and physical affection you prefer
- They often give you compliments
- They touch you frequently
- They are quick to give a hug
- They love to cuddle
- They easily or often say they like, love, adore you
- They make you feel appreciated by actions and words
- You have sweet nicknames for each other
- You like to hold hands or have other PDA’s out in public
- You get lots of kisses
- They offer verbal support and encouragement

4. Independence- How much you like to keep your life separate, or how much space you need.
(Here the examples are more on the distant side)
- They often need space.
- They prefer to keep their friends separate.
- They like to do their hobbies without you.
- It’s hard to get to know them- you feel a wall.
- They hold back on personal information.
- They aren’t eager to introduce you to friends or family.
- They need plenty of alone time.

5. Teamwork- how much of a “we” you prefer to be
- They often say “we”
- You feel like a team
- You make decision together, they ask for your input on choices to be made
- You are more interdependent than dependent or independent
- You turn to your partner to share your day first
- You ask for your partner’s opinions and input on issues and concerns
- You feel like you can face the world together
- You feel like you belong to each other
- You turn to your partner for support and sharing feelings.
- You share money and expenses.

Start paying attention to all of these factors and you’ll get a good sense of how emotionally available someone is.

Get to know what your preferences are first, then compare that to your new dates. Again, give it some time to ramp up over a month or two.

When you sense a mismatch, collect more information over time, and make a decision- don’t let it sit and fester until you become immobilized and can’t walk away.

If I could pick the most important compatibility factor, this is it!

So it pays to be on alert.

What signs do you use to gauge someone’s emotional availability?
Please share.

Emotional Availability: The MOST Important Factor

2008-10-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

Lisa,

These are all great questions.

And let me tell you, you’ve hit the nail on the head!

Is it important to find a guy who is emotionally available?

HELL YES!

It’s by far the most important factor when picking a mate.

Have you ever heard a woman complain: “Man, my husband is just so emotionally available. He’s so open and supportive, warm and thoughtful. I can’t stand it!”

Ummm, no.

But therapists get rich (ok, maybe not rich) by seeing scores of couples where the woman complains that her guy is always in his man cave, unavailable to talk, to be close, to touch.

So, emotional availability is one of the first factors you need to assess.

To answer your question, it’s normal to take a while for people to warm up in a new dating relationships. I’d give it 1-2 months to get a better read on someone’s true availability.

If your idea of emotional availability doesn’t match theirs by month 3? Outta there. It ain’t gonna change.

And as to your other question about whether more accomplished career guys seem to be less emotionally available?

Well, there are plenty of really successful guys who are also emotionally available.

But, let’s be honest…many guys who have been single forever, and have focused a ton on their careers, are well, just a tad bit distant. Just think of the time alone- success usually means much less personal time.

They’ve chosen a priority and love wasn’t it.

So, even if they really want to be present, they haven’t had much practice and those habits can be hard to break.

Stay tuned. More next time on how to assess a person’s emotional availability!

Well, readers what’s your take on Lisa’s questions here? Would love to hear!

How to Tell if He's Emotionally Available?

2008-10-23T16:17:00.000-07:00

As I meet men I am finding that it seems that the more accomplished a man in in his career, the less emotionally available he seems to be.

Have you heard this before, and can you speak to it?

Is it important to find a guy who is emotionally available........or does that usually take a good deal of time to happen, and how much time?

I was in a long marriage where the guy was NOT emotionally available......and I don't want THAT to happen again.

How long does a woman have to wait to see if a guy will be able to open up?

Are You Choosing Self Preservation or Self Growth???

2008-10-15T13:28:00.000-07:00

Lisa,

Man, that sounds depressing!

What exactly brought that on?

I mean, I guess you are right...hardly anyone makes a decision that they think will end in self destruction.

Umm, well, wait a minute...I can think of many singles who make lots of decisions that are not in their best interest! At least not logically!

But anyway, the way you put it sounds so depressing. Maybe we could say that people are always looking out for number one, but to improve their lives, to grow, to change, because they hold a vision of tomorrow that is better than today.

At least that's what I hope for!

But, yes, many people do get stuck in "preservation" mode, instead of "growth" mode.

And that's the kiss of death when trying to find the perfect partner.

You've got to break out of old molds, discard old patterns, and embrace new ways of being in the world and in relationships.

Only then can the story finally have a happy ending!

Readers: What do you think- are the people you meet stuck in self preservation or are they flowing in self-growth???

Please share!

Self Preservation?

2008-10-15T13:26:00.000-07:00

As I see it....people ultimately make decisions in life based on one thing..

And that is....self preservation....and what they think is best for them (and perhaps their loved ones too) at the time or for the future.

And I think that this is the case whether they feel they are needing reduced stress, more money, more excitement, a purpose in life, or whatever.

Anyway....that's my insight of the day!

Lisa

MatchMaker, Find Me a Match!

2008-10-14T19:45:00.000-07:00

Lisa,

So, Table for Two is essentially a matchmaking service. They meet you, chat with you about who you are looking for, then set you up with hand-picked dates.

I think using a matchmaker is GREAT under some conditions.

It’s a great option, if you are too busy to meet quality people, if you are burned out on online dating, if you just can’t find the right type of partner.

Hey- they do all the work, you just show up. That’s a decent deal.

But, it’s usually more expensive than most people can afford. That’s it’s main draw back.

The other main drawback?

Although I’ve worked with some great matchmakers- not all are created equal!

So it’s critical to check references with past clients, to make sure you’ll get what you pay for.

Ask to speak with clients who they have been both successful and unsuccessful with to see what they have to say about the service, BEFORE you commit.

I can’t make that point more boldly. Check references!

The bottom line?

Here’s my main philosophy when it comes to dating to find your soulmate:

ANYTHING is worth trying, once.

Your soulmate could be patiently waiting for you anywhere:
At the next speed dating event,
On that park bench over there,
Sitting at your favorite coffee shop,
Standing in your favorite section of the book store,
At a singles dance,
On Match.com,
or another client of Table for Two waiting to be set up with you.

The important thing is to remain open to every opportunity that comes your way.

Then make the most of it, by acting on it.

Take a deep breath, and take a moment to check in with your gut. “Gut (or heart), what do you think I should do?”

If you get a green light, go ahead. It’s hardly ever a mistake to try.

As long as you keep dating with the positive expectation that your soulmate is out there and will be coming into your life, then everything you do will take you one step closer to finding him.

Even if you don’t meet him through Table for Two, you no doubt will learn some very important lessons through the experience that will bring you closer to finding true love.

That’s what makes it an adventure.

So, go for it!

Or at least have the free consultation and then check your gut, your bank account, and references, first!

Readers: Have you had positive or negative experiences with matchmakers? Would you use them again?

Is Hiring a Matchmaker Worth It?

2008-10-14T19:42:00.000-07:00

I was just looking online at the TABLE FOR TWO dating service here in Minnesota....and wondering if it might be a good choice for me.

They offer a free 30 minute consultation, so I may go in to check it out, especially since this is the stage that I can be checking LOTS of folks out.

And I am just too burned out on the online sites that seem to have so many guys just looking for casual relationships........and I hate all I have to go through to figure that out.

I think that with TABLE FOR TWO, they figure that out for me ahead of time, so I will only meet guys interested in what I am interested in.

What do you think?

Lisa

Smart Tips for Long-Distance Online Dating

2008-10-13T21:00:00.000-07:00

If despite the risks (see previous post), you do decide to move forward with a long-distance romance that starts on-line, do it smartly!

Smart Tips For Testing Out a Long-Distance On-Line Romance

1. Get to a live, in-person meeting as soon as it is realistically possible. (Not 6 months later.)

2. Set up the first visit at one of your hometowns. You want to get as realistic a picture as possible right from the beginning.

3. Go for a 2-3 day stay if possible. Try a range of activities, see their home, meet their friends, go along on errands. All of this will help you get a better sense of the
real person.

4. The next visit, meet at the other person’s hometown.

5. If you can’t meet at least one a month, it’s probably not worthy trying- it will take too long to even see if you are compatible in real life. Remember, talk is cheap. Action is real.

6. You’ll definitely need to spend longer periods together to determine if you should even consider moving to the same location. Try a couple week long vacations, again in the hometowns.

7. Always, always, always address concerns and red flag issues as soon as they crop up. You can’t afford to wait and see in this type of situation.

8. If it ever doesn’t feel right in your gut, it’s time to cut it off and move on to more promising, and closer options.

Readers: What other advice do you have about making an online, long-distance romance successful?

Please share!

Long Distance? Long Shot, Low Odds!

2008-10-13T13:36:00.000-07:00

Well Lisa, you already had one long distance dating disaster this year (when after several months you discovered he was a total fraud!)- so you KNOW the dangers of long distance!!!

It’s so risky to meet someone on-line from a different state, for so many reasons.

1). As you discovered, they may not even be WHO they say they are. It sucks, but there are unsavory people out there. They may be lying about their age, martial status, appearance, employment, even their gender! Or worse, they may try to scam you out of money- a far too common occurrence.

2). But even if they are who they say, another issue is that you typically spend a LOT of time and energy on the phone and email, before you ever met. You can WASTE months getting to know someone, then when you finally meet, you discover that the chemistry evaporates, physically and emotionally.

3). Even if you do meet and enjoy each other, if you continue a long distance affair mostly via phone, with only occasional visits- what you are constructing is a VIRTUAL relationship. A connection that exists mostly in your mind. You don’t get to see how each other really behaves in real life.

You only get a tiny selection of who they are. And worse, with only occasional visits, when you do rendezvous, you get only a honeymoon type of effect, with all that built up anticipation and excitement- you share only care-free, happy times focused only on each other- hardly what a real relationship is like.

The bottom line of this is that you don’t get a true sense of what it would really be like to have this person in your life on a daily basis. It’s more fantasy than reality.

4. Even if you make it past all of this, someone is going to have to move eventually, and completely up-end their life, for what will still be a big risk. Often when you go to live together, after your fairy tale long-distance romance, it falls apart, in the stark light of reality.

Am I saying it could never work out? Am I saying you should never try to date long distance?

No- of course not. On rare occasions, it’s possible to find your soulmate on-line half a country away, and make it work.

But as you can see, the risks are high, the likelihood of a happy ending, pretty tiny.

Even then, it will be expensive! Add up all of the travel costs, phone bills, and that heart aching longing!

Is it worth it? Only you can decide!

Readers: Have your long-distance, online romances had a happy ending?

Please Comment!

Long Distance Intrigue, From Lisa

2008-10-13T13:03:00.000-07:00

Not much to update with on the man scene.......except it is another Friday night.........and I have NO DATE!!!!

Did just get a call from Gary in California and the more we talk, the more we learn we have a LOT in common.

He even hinted tonight at coming here to meet me...and exploring possibilities.....if we like each other.

We are both sort of free spirits....both into healthy eating and living......but I am deathly afraid of doing the long distance thing........after a bad experience with it earlier this year.

Still.......I am just not finding men who think like I do, here in MN. The only things keeping me here are my kids, grand kids, and the possibility of getting back into product design.

Talk to me a bit about ways to possibly make the distance thing work.

Would it be best if one of us spends time where the other is........to get to know each other?

Since we are both so foot loose and fancy free........how about if we decide together to go somewhere totally new.......for a bit, and see what we can build..........with plenty of apart time to start.

Any advice would be helpful!!!!

Lisa

Assessing Readiness to Date After a Loss

2008-10-08T19:08:00.000-07:00

Lisa,

Excellent questions!

You are being a savvy single- that’s for sure!!!

And no, you should NOT have given him more of a chance.

His behavior is speaking loud and clear: “I’m NOT ready for a real relationship.”

And since that’s what you want, you move on, no time to waste here.

Because you’re definitely right: It sounds like this man is not really emotionally available and thus, not truly ready to be dating (at least seriously).

AND you noticed three huge red flags that tell you so: He’s still using “we”, he talks a lot about this wife, and he admits to thinking a lot about her.

All of these things give you an idea of how much MENTAL SPACE his wife still has in his brain. And in this case- there is no room left for you to be on his mind!

In fact, I think assessing mental space and these 3 signs are a great way to tell if someone is ready to date again.

Plus one more thing: Do they seem needy and clingy? Many people who have lost a spouse haven’t really stood on their own two feet for quite some time and they long for their needs to be met. When they meet someone, they come on too strong and you feel overwhelmed by them. Big Red Flag.

Signs that Someone is Ready to Date After a Loss:

How much do they use we?
How much does the partner come up in conversation?
How much do they still think about them (it’s ok to ask about this!)?
How needy and clingy are they?

Just check in on those four things and see what your gut tells you about it.

Any special guidelines for someone who’s spouse has died?

You know, in general it’s similar. But I do think there is something that is different if you have lost your spouse versus broke up with an ex.

If you have been married to someone for a long time, it’s normal to still talk and think about them. It’s normal for a large part of your identity to have been wrapped up in the past relationship.

It does take time for these things to shift.

And in the meantime, it does make sense to honor their partnership.

It was important to them, and you can show that relationship it’s proper respect. Occasional stories or thoughts are ok- it’s natural.

But these should decrease over time as the person develops a more separate identity.

If it happens more than you are comfortable with, or you feel like you are in a 3 way relationship- it’s a sign that you may not be a good match, at this time.

How long does it take?

The time it takes to grieve a loss and really be ready for a serious relationship varies widely due to circumstances and individuals.

In general, if someone has been married for awhile it isn’t unusual for it to take up to 2 years (or more) to really be emotionally available.

You really need to assess such things on a case by case basis, with the keys mentioned above!

Smart radar- it’s important to catch these things early and NOT ignore them, but realize that they would take you down a very different path than the one you want to be on to find your soulmate!

Readers: What others signs have you noticed that tell you that a widow(er) isn't ready to get serious?

Please share!

When is a Widower Really Ready to Date?

2008-10-08T09:26:00.000-07:00

I've been writing to a guy on Perfect Match who was not actually listed as such a "perfect" match by PM...........but I figure it is good to get to know him anyway, since there are not that many who are sincerely interested.

After about 3-4 email exchanges back and forth I noticed that he talked a lot about "we" meaning he and his former wife.

"We" have this and "we" do that........and it occurred to me that he has likely not fully grieved his loss.

His wife died two years ago......and he has just started to date.........and is looking to meet LOTS of women.

So we exchanged a few more emails, and the more we wrote the clearer it became that he truly is NOT at the same dating stage that I am at.

So, I was very honest with him and told him I thought it was very good that he was getting started, but from my own experiences I felt he would want to meet many people to get a feel for what sort of person he wanted. I told him I had been through that stage years ago.......and because of our very different places on the dating scene.......I wished him well.........and he hasn't written back.

He really felt he was ready to be dating, but also said he thought about his former wife almost all the time.

I’ve had this experience a couple of times before, dating guys who had lost their wives........and the guy sees nothing wrong with including his wife a LOT in the conversations..........what she would have liked etc.......and it makes me feel like an intruder into their life.

Should I have given him more of a chance?
How can I best tell when a guy really IS ready and available to date?
Are there any special rules or guidelines for dating widowers?
How long DOES it usually take for a man to move on.......and let go of so many of the memories, and make room in his life for someone new?

Lisa

Win, Noted, From Lisa

2008-10-07T12:32:00.000-07:00

It's going into my journal RIGHT NOW!!!

To be grateful that I was so good at learning soon if the guy is on "my" relationship track........and wants the sort of future I want.

I am finding that on Match (and yahoo personals) there are lots of guys who just want a casual relationship...with frequent get-togethers, but no future of living together or marriage or building a life together. The more permanent relationship style guys seem to be on the more expensive sites.......such as Perfect Match and eHarmony and Great Expectations.

That is how it seems to me at least.

Lisa

A Win: Finding Out Sooner Rather Than Later

2008-10-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

Lisa,

YES, right!!!

That is exactly the point, to enjoy the process, but get better and better at NOT wasting time, energy, and emotion on the wrong people.

So the question is:
What are the lessons learned this time around? What is there to be grateful for? What gifts did you offer each other during the time you spent together?

Start a Gratitude Lesson Book, where you write down all of the lessons and gifts that each new interaction with dating partners offers you.

No matter how negative it seems, flip it to it’s positive and express your gratitude for the opportunity to learn it.

By writing it down and reviewing it, you will avoid having to learn it again- hopefully!!!!

And remember, no dating interaction is too small to score an entry. One call, an email, a date. If you had an emotional reaction to it, include it in your book.

So, actually, this is all a WIN for you- onward and upward!

To Our Readers: What was your latest lesson or gift?

Please comment.

Another One Bites the Dust, From Lisa

2008-10-07T11:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I emailed Barry and asked him to clarify his comment about not wanting to live with a woman again, noting that I really was looking to get married again when the right man comes along.

He wrote back a lovely email saying that we did have different goals and wished me luck.

So, at least I now know about THIS one.

I doubt the outcome would have been any different if I had handled it differently.

I know that in the past it has often taken me 3-6 months to find out that the guy does not want the same things from relationship that I want!!

So I would say that figuring it out in only two dates is a pretty nice improvement.

Right?

Lisa

Mismatched Future Vision? A Deal Breaker!

2008-10-07T08:30:00.000-07:00

I’m glad you had a good time and are having fun with the dating- that's what's important!

Your question: When guys say those things, I very much believe them.

That is not the time to think you can change someone!

Very occasionally someone will change their mind, but it is unlikely in someone who is past his 20’s. He’s been around the block enough times to know!

So you are right- ignoring it wouldn’t be smart!

And just deleting him may be premature.

I would do JUST as you said- let him make the next step- if he chooses to- then address it on the next date or phone call, whichever you are comfortable with.

It would be a mistake to allow yourself to enjoy him too much or get emotionally invested in him if he doesn't want to end up in the same place as you.

Mismatched visions for the future are a definite deal breaker!

So I'd clarify it with him soon! And you can do that by talking about what your vision of the future is and asking for his comments.

To our readers: I’d be curious to know, have you ever *successfully* changed a man or woman’s mind about the level of commitment they wanted for the long term? Please comment.

Same Vision of the Future?, From Lisa

2008-10-06T23:00:00.000-07:00

It is only 9pm and I am already home from a 2nd date with Barry. We had a wonderful dinner with plenty of nice conversation.

It felt nice to be with him and I like his calm demeanor and the ways he thinks.....and it was a good balance of questions and answers.

One thing that just came up in conversation is that he would never want to be married again, or live together, which is obviously my goal.

Since we were about to leave, I didn't question that further.......nor did I know HOW to question it further.

On the way home I was wondering if, because of that comment.........Do I
A) stay and hope I can convince him to change his mind someday (if all else works out and we become "attached"
B) ask him more about it soon or
C) politely tell him that we are not looking for the same things from relationship, so it won't work for me, and DELETE him??

I decided I would wait to see if he makes the first move to contact me this time, and soon bring it up to discuss further.

I think he could be a very decent guy and that he just had a couple of bad relationships in his life.

I get the feeling that he MIGHT be available for a deep meaningful relationship.......but he sure did seem pretty sure about never wanting that much compromise in his life again.

Your feedback on how to handle the early talk about whether a guy would ever live with or marry a woman would be helpful, please!

Lisa

The Key to Juggling Multiple Dates

2008-10-06T21:00:00.000-07:00

Lisa,

Good question!

I call dating more than one person JUGGLING.

And juggle you must if you want to find your soulmate.

Because people disappear all the time while dating, so if you are getting to know more than one person at a time, it won’t be a big deal.

Dating is in part, a numbers game.

Plus, it helps you go slow and not get overly attached to any one person too soon.

It’s simply the most efficient and effective way to find your soulmate.

So partly, you handle it by realizing that you’re doing what is best for you and that your date is most likely doing it TOO!

AND, be honest about your dating style, from the beginning, to avoid any awkwardness later on.

Just drop a little something into an early conversation like,

"I'm looking forward to getting to know you. And just in case you’re
wondering, I’m getting to know a couple of people right now, because I'm really looking for the right person for me. But when the right person comes along, I’m ready to focus on them."

Date with integrity by being clear with your intentions.

If everyone was equally honest, imagine how much more enjoyable dating would be!

What About More than One Guy?, From Lisa

2008-10-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

I am about to shower and dress to go have my second date with Barry. It feels rather odd to be interested in two guys at once.

Barry hasn't really written much since our first meeting ten days ago, and since then I have been writing more to Derrick.

How do I deal with these strange feelings that I am "dating" more than one guy at a time?
What can I tell myself to make it feel "okay."

I KNOW that it is, since I am not sleeping with either......and don't plan to for quite some time, and tonight doesn't feel so odd.

But I think if I were to get up to the fourth and fifth date....with each...that then I may have some real trouble with it, like it won't feel like I am being honest with each.

How do I deal with THAT? (or maybe by then a choice would be clear??)

Lisa

The Current Dating Landscape, by Lisa

2008-10-06T20:45:00.000-07:00

Before we go further, I ought to tell you what my dating life looks like right now.

I have profiles on three different online dating sites...and they seem to keep me busy with dates.

The problem seems to be turning any of these dates into an actual relationship!

Currently, I'm exchanging emails with about four different guys. And recently, I’ve just met two others for a first date.

That’s it for now, but it’s always changing!

Lisa

2008-10-06T20:02:00.000-07:00

Lisa,

You are welcome!

Just so you know, your reaction is totally normal. People find it overwhelming, emotional, even somewhat upsetting because they are reviewing things they had hoped they left in the past.

But ultimatly, they find it a relief because now they have a more complete understanding and a sense of direction and purpose. So you're right on track!!

Let's paint together (what a lovely metaphor of yours), you don't have to go it alone!

Power on, an amazing man awaits you!

Dr. Jenn

Insights From My Relationship Readiness Inventory- From Lisa

2008-10-06T19:38:00.000-07:00

Man, that was draining! We talked for more than 2 hours!

But I think I learned more about myself today than I ever knew.

So much makes so much more sense. I need a couple of days to absorb and process the info from today. It was pretty heavy.

And I find myself close to tears at times........but mostly happy tears, knowing that there IS something more to love, and to being in love than I have ever known or experienced.

The Inventory feedback made me realize how my childhood played a role in the ways that I relate to men.

I learned that I tend to run off and be by myself when things start to go bad, instead of staying to "face the music." It also helped me to see the ways that I might have contributed to causing the relationship to suffer instead of doing things that might instead bring us closer.

I grew up in a family of eight children and my parents never seemed to have the time for each of us that was needed, especially at critical times during my developing stages.

And therefore I tend to seek out guys who I subconsciously think will give me what my parents did not. But they don’t!

Instead I can learn to give that love to myself, and thus be open to receiving a more wholesome and healthy relationship with a guy.

I know that I am strong enough to open up to a beautiful connection. And thus attract it to me as well. I am ready to paint this picture.........and bring it to life.

THANK YOU SO MUCH !!!

Lisa

From the Beginning

2008-10-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

When I start coaching with someone, I almost always begin with something I call the Relationship Readiness Inventory. It's a questionnaire you fill out that goes over your childhood and relationship experiences.

From that, we can usually determine 5 or more primary growth areas - or areas to tend to as you move forward with dating. They are the relationship habits that aren't working any more that we replace with new ways of being that will attract your soulmate.

"ARRGGHHH! But NOT my childhood!"

I sometimes hear that, but we start at your beginning because your early family experiences create your relationship map- the way you tend to habitually interact with yourself, others, and the world. And from those childhood experiences, can usually discover the origins of the patterns that are holding you back.

When you know where something came from, and see how it's played out all your life, it becomes more easy to recognize, and then change.

It opens the door to hope.

Plus things start to make a heck of a lot more sense: "OH, THAT's why I do THAT!"

So, let's see what Lisa and I learned when we delved back into her past for a little bit...

What the Heck is Dating Coaching, Anyway!?

2008-10-06T15:38:00.000-07:00

Good question!

The whole point of dating coaching is to identify the patterns that keep you from creating the love you deserve, so you can break those habits. And adopt new, positive attitudes and behaviors that lead to attracting your ideal partner.

By making better choices over time, you create the space for a wonderful partner to arrive.

It's all about giving you the personal insight into how you work, the knowledge about how great relationships are built, and the skills needed to make it all come together into a love that lasts.

When you've been dating a while and nothing is working, it's easy to get frustrated, disappointed, and even bitter. But rather than give up, a smart single will seek out help.

That's where I come in, with an objective viewpoint, honest feedback, and positive motivation, I help keep you on track toward your goal, finding real love. The kind of love that makes your heart sing and that lasts a lifetime.

I'm excited to be working with Lisa because she has all of the qualities of a great coaching client. She's eager to find a great man, she's in touch with her thoughts and feelings, she's open to feedback, and she's willing to give new things a try.

With all that on board, it's only a matter of time until a wonderful man enters her life.

So, let's get started!