Weeding Out Men: The Thoughtfulness Quotient

Dr. Jenn,

About two months ago I was talking to about seven guys, and this includes emailing and phone conversations. Since then I have met three of those guys and Rick is the guy at the top of the list.

Rick already had several bonus points for calling to check up on me both before and after I was going in for surgery two weeks ago, and he apparently really cared and wanted to know how I was doing. I was quite touched by this.

Two other guys I was talking to around that time- who also knew about my pending surgery- did not even ask about it, but rather just talked about THEIR stuff, including distant relatives.

I was facing some potentially scary news, and I really appreciated Rick's concern and thoughtfulness, even though we had not met in person. Rick has a WONDERFUL sense of humor and we always find great things to talk about and funny stories to tell, and our conversations seem very balanced.

We finally met on Friday night! It was warm and friendly and we plan to see each other again soon.

I like that Rick's kids are both married and on their own and doing well, like mine. And I also like that he has a great little dog and that he relates well to dogs. And I LOVE his sense of humor, and his obvious caring personality.

Yep, this one has potential!! I’ll keep you in the loop!

Lisa
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Hi Lisa!

While having the surgery was no walk in the park- it certainly gave you the opportunity to see how the men would behave when you could use some support! Bonus!

Sounds like Rick passed with flying colors!

It’s never too early to treat each other with thoughtful kindness, empathy, and respect. I call this the Thoughtfulness Quotient- and you can usually feel this right away with a person!

And when you get Rick’s kind of treatment, right out of the gate- BEFORE even meeting, well that tells you volumes about the kind of person he is, doesn’t it?!

The fact that the others basically ignored it in a somewhat selfish manner- also reflects what they would probably be like to be around later on. Rightly so- those are BIG RED FLAGS.

And these are the kind of things you really want to see about a person early on- it can save you lots of heartache!

But when someone makes you feel seen, heard, and cared about- even at the beginning- you know you are on the right track!

I look forward to hearing more about Rick!

Dr. Jenn

Organize Your Online Dating World?: A Filing-Rating System That Works!

Dr. Jenn,

I have been continuing to stay in touch with several men at one time, and I wanted to share with you my new filing-rating system!

I’ve devised a way to list them in my email files, with a rating of sorts, so I can keep in mind where my feelings about each of them stand, in terms of potential.

So, I keep an email folder for each one, and when I title the folders, if I put an AA in front of their name, they are among those at the top of the list!

After a few questionable yellow flag issues (such as hogging 80% of a phone conversation) I may remove one of the A's, and they move to the A category, and from there perhaps to the B category. This helps me to remember where each is.

After meeting them each in person, they often either move to the AA category, or completely off the list if the meeting does not feel right. Those in the B category are guys I can't really see myself with, but for some reason I stay in distant touch with them.

Seems to be helping me keep thing straight! What do you think?!

Lisa

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Wow, Lisa, I like your ingenuity!!

I have to admit that back when I was juggling, I would often forget Who I told What!! It could get a little awkward!

So, I like your idea of being organized so you can keep track of how interested you are in people!

When internet dating, you can have so many balls up in the air, all at different stages, that it can feel a bit overwhelming! So anything you can do to make it more simple, is great!!

I also love that you update the rating when you notice Red Flags! That is so awesome! Because you have the rating system, it keeps you noticing them even more perhaps- so you don’t ignore them!!

That’s a mistake so many people make in the early stages of dating! Plus- it helps you stay conscious about making the best decisions for YOU, every step of the way, instead of just sliding along!

And in addition to what you suggest, I always suggest that people have a totally separate email account that they use only for online dating- makes things much easier to follow! And, folks, please don't use your real name as your login for that account- instead go with something that matches your online profile's handle or tag line! Clever, safe, and easy for folks to remember who they are talking to as well!

So, onward & upward with clarity in your mind and warmth in your heart!!

Dr. Jenn

Readers: What do you think of Lisa's system? What helps you keep track of your online dating life? Please share!