What Does Horse Shopping Have to Do with Dating? Everything!

Dr. Jenn-

Well, a very interesting turn of events!

I received a very nice email from Danny (whom I broke it off with a couple of weeks ago, after a very promising start).

Apparently he went to a rather transformative relationship workshop, and he had some major ah-ha’s about how he behaved toward me. He was very sweet, took responsibility for his behavior, and apologized. He seemed like he really “got it.”

He expressed interest in remaining friends.

I was pretty impressed with his email and I’m a bit tempted to see him again. He seems to be going through a lot of growing. Anyway, I will consider his offer to go to dinner to talk.

Not sure yet. Especially since there are a couple of other interested and interesting guys who are free from the burden of teenagers.It's been an interesting weekend. I didn't go on any dates, but I have talked to a couple of new guys, and have written to many.

And I put up a profile on a new and free matchmaking site called plentyoffish.com. Some say it is more populated than Match.com. It is free to post profiles there. So, we will see what the next couple of weeks bring.

Lisa

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Lisa,

Wow- that is very interesting!

I agree that it sounds like Danny has been on a serious path of growing and seems very sincere about looking within and transforming his patterns.

That was something you noticed about him from the beginning.

It is always delightful to see evidence that people are capable of insight, change, and growth. And yet, you, as well as I, know that true change, deep change that lasts takes time. And there are often many ups and downs as we work to shift our patterns from old to new.

Since both of you had a strong sense that your partnership may have real potential, I agree that it may be worth venturing back into that space of friendship, with an open mind, to see where a growing connection could lead.

But doing that KNOWING that the path of change is bumpy. Sometimes we can support each other nicely through these transformations. The right partner truly can be a powerful catalyst for personal growth.

Yet sometimes, taking on someone in the midst of change is more than you really bargained for. The outcome is so much more precarious. You’re investing more in the potential of someone, than who that someone already is.

As such, it’s a more high-risk endeavor. So, it’s just good to acknowledge that from the start and enter into it with eyes wide open, and even wider channels of communication!

It reminds me of buying horses.

Often you have a choice- you can buy a young, untrained horse who seems to have potential. Then you hope with time, patient nurturing, and many hours of consistent training- that the horse will bloom into the reliable partner you can truly enjoy.

And IF it works- since you took the journey together, the sense of teamwork, friendship, and accomplishment is a real reward.

But often it doesn’t work- there were too many obstacles to your vision becoming a reality. Maybe the horse gets hurt, turns out to not have the necessary talent, or has personality characteristics that don’t blend well with yours.

Thus, taking on the horse who needs transformation is a high risk endeavor- but with the opportunity for a high payoff.

On the other hand, you could buy an older horse, who is more expensive, but who is also already trained to do what you want to do.

With this horse, he has proven he is capable of the job- that he has the skills, ability, and character to be successful. So, right away, you are able to get on and enjoy it from the start.

Of course, there are risks with any horse, but here, the risks are much more minor and success more easily attainable.

I don’t mean to trivialize love by comparing it to horse shopping (although I have noticed many more similarities in finding a man and searching for a horse!). But I hope you can see the parallel dynamics.

When you pick someone with a proven track record of being who you’d like them to be, the chances are higher of a happy ending, then when you pick someone who is only beginning to learn to be the type of person you need them to be.

Whether this type of risk is worth it to you, always depends on many factors!

But in this case, moving forward into an exploratory friendship certainly has it’s merits!

Just something to consider!

Dr. Jenn

Picking a Partner is like Finding the Perfect Shoe!

Dr. Jenn,

Well, I emailed Terry and let him know how concerned I was about these few issues. Terry called to talk and ask about the nature of our relationship now.

I just feel in my heart that I would likely start to feel angry if I were dating a guy who claims to want to be healthier and have a cleaner house if he weren't doing anything about it. (I told him this in as nice a way as I could think of) .

I still believe that there MUST be a man out there who has done the things that he says are important to him.

These two items are not necessarily deal breakers, and I suppose I could learn to live with both issues, somehow, but with others out there who are interested in getting to know me, I really want to continue to juggle for a bit.

I am now talking to FOUR new and very interesting guys. I really don't think I am expecting perfection, but Terry was over the edge for me on those two things.

I know he was sad when I told him I was not ready to date him exclusively, and he is very busy with work for the next couple of months, so perhaps I need to think about it all more, and in the meantime check out a couple of other guys.

New ones are Kent, Bob, Mal, and Keith. Boy, I sure do seem to be attracting some good ones just now!!!

Lisa

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Hi Lisa,

I’m glad to hear that you expressed your concerns to Terry and you both were able to talk about it.

It seems like it may have been helpful to visit his home to see just how much of an issue it really was, but I think it’s really great that you tuned into your inner self and listened to it’s guidance: It just didn’t feel right.

This juggling period is the perfect time to really learn more about yourself, what you really need, what you can live with, what’s too much and what’s just right.

When it is just right- it feels like a perfect fit- like when you find just the right shoe- you slip it on and it’s comfortable, you feel like you’ve worn it your whole life and you could wear it easily all day long.

Until a relationship feels like the perfect pair of shoes- comfortable, easy, and supportive- it’s best to keep an open heart and mind as you explore all of the many facets of the people you are involved with.

Like the wrong pair of shoes, a partner who isn’t quite right- will cause some pinching, discomfort, or pain. You’ll want to take it off, take a break, or try other more comfortable shoes.

That’s normal and listening to how you really feel- that’s the light that guides your way. Keep following your light!

Dr. Jenn